Today's Headlines
- Could this guy be related to Tim Geithner? Under advice of swami, Nepalese political party leader Pushpa Kamal Dahal Prachanda worships water buffalo to appease planet Saturn as primary approach to governance. Couldn't be worse than TARP.
- Stop the presses! Headline, Dayton Daily News, Feb. 12: "MAN SHOT IN CHEST, LEG KNOCKS ON DOOR FOR HELP." Comma placement assistance, stat!
- Cajones outweigh brains: Vicar of Kent, England’s St. Nicholas Church delivers sermon telling women parishioners to "be silent and submit to your husbands" as cure for high divorce rate. Vicar Angus MacLeay, 50, is himself married – at least as of last Friday.
- Of course. California. Sacramento homeless women to receive "stylish boots" from footwear manufacturer as opposed to, say, food, because "they have to walk a lot." And, worse comes to worst, boots can always be barbecued over low to medium heat of oil drum fire.
- Attention Pat Robertson: Scientists suggest the more religious an individual is, the more likely that person is "brain damaged." Researchers identify areas of the brain that, when damaged, lead to greater spirituality. Findings, published in the journal Neuron, could lead to new strategies for treating some forms of mental illness ... or just making stunningly stupid statements.
- Queensland, Australia premier – a former Education Minister – blows Barack Obama’s name: Incorporating an extra "r," issues invitation to President for upcoming March visit that misspells name Barack, which is Swahili for "blessing," as Barrack, which is Bronx for "cheer." Invitation is expected to be honored, regardless.
- As though you hadn’t been screwed enough: U.S. Patent Application No. 2007/0050958: Burial container "having means by which they can be screwed or self-bored into a receiving material." Yes, a giant screw-coffin, with threads, into which the deceased is slipped to be quite literally, "screwed" vertically into the ground. Saves space; money. Dignity? That’s subjective.
- Taking back the country, one blabbermouth at a time: Authorities say Massachusetts man charged with stockpiling weapons for "imminent Armageddon" is active Tea Partier who believes Sarah Palin is on a "mission from God" as the only figure capable of averting the complete destruction of society. Gregory Girard is reported to have recently told his wife, "Don't talk to people, shoot them instead." Rude, but effective.