The I-Man's Blog: Penis, at f/5.6

I never really thought a great deal about how attractively my penis might photograph.  But now, I find myself thinking about things like “penis lighting” and “penis background,” “penis angle” and “context,” and so on. 

Annie LiebovitzI’m also wondering who might be the best penis photographer to consider for such a very personal project – a Diane Arbus type, with her ability to look beyond the superficial?  A Richard Avedon sort, with his show-every-hair-follicle approach to portraiture?  Annie Liebovitz, maybe, with her vivid and distinctive style and the added attribute that, unlike the others mentioned, she’s not dead yet?  Maybe a landscape master, a devotee of Ansel Adams to properly capture the sweep and grandeur of my very own “spectacular natural monument?”

This recent, but expanding idea of snapping a picture of one’s own penis and then firing it off to a woman you’d like to date – often whom you barely, if at all, know – is puzzling.  But, since a lot of  “owners-and-operators” of penises seem to be doing it, I don’t want to just dismiss the idea out of hand. 

Just days ago, news came out about a department supervisor at Atlanta’s New Birth Missionary Baptist Church showing a cell phone picture of his “Little Deacon” to a fellow church employee, a woman, who didn’t exactly swoon at the proposition. That’s Bishop Eddie Long’s church. He wasn’t the penis presenter in this instance, but, what the heck kind of church is New Birth Missionary?  What’s “the mission,” for crying out loud?  How about making “the mission” keeping your pants zipped for five minutes?   

Anyway, among the latest “persons of note” to compose a picture of his penis and hit “send” is  – allegedly – Brett Favre.  Snapped a photo of “Little Brett” and sent it to Jenn Sterger, a former Maxim model and, at the time, a sideline reporter for the New York Jets.  I confess I don’t understand the whole “dong photo” deal.  I can tell you, without any fear of contradiction, that there are no photos of  “Little Donny” out there anywhere – in the blogosphere or any place else.   

I spoke about this whole phenomenon the other day on the Imus program, wondering aloud if anybody actually believes that a graceful strategy for making an overture to a woman – is to send her a picture of your penis?  As I also said, remarkably, the answer to some degree must be, “yes.”  Because there’s so much “sexting” of penises going on that some people must actually be receptive to the idea: “Oh look!  Brett Favre, the football player, emailed me a picture of his penis.  I sure hope he calls me and marries me and eventually impregnates me by means of that very same photogenic organ.” 

What the hell is going on here?  Does Brett, or whomever, think that Jenn, or whomever, is going to take that photograph – frame it – and put it on display atop the parlor piano alongside pictures of the family?  “There’s mom.  That’s dad.  Grandma Kate.  Uncle Ike.  Cousin Judy. Brett Farve’s penis. And my nephew, Joey.”   Or maybe tape it up on the refrigerator with your six-year-old’s crayola stick-figure renderings and butterfly representations.  How nice.  We’ve got a winged bug, someone who looks like Karen Carpenter, and...“That photo that appears to be a Jimmy Dean ‘Skinless Turkey Sausage Link’ hanging out of a blackberry thicket?  That’s Brett Favre’s junk.”   Great.

My brother Fred and I once did a book of photography that featured pretty pictures of the desert southwest, “Two Brothers Four Corners.”  I think that’s sufficient.  I really can’t envision a book entitled, “Two Brothers Two Penises.”  Not only inappropriate, but given our sometimes “aggressive” personalities, it could be misconstrued.