Better Luck Next Time, Alan Colmes

It’s a smart move for any guest to avoid coming into the I-Man’s studio, even when he’s thousands of miles away in New Mexico. But it’s a particularly smart move for Alan Colmes, formerly of Hannity and Colmes, whose current occupation remains a mystery.

Phoning in today from what sounded like—and Colmes claimed was—the inside of a barrel, Colmes was immediately ridiculed for his five favorite song choices, one of which is “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight,” by England Dan and John Ford Coley.

“That’s can’t be anybody’s favorite record, including theirs,” Imus observed.

An ardent Democrat, Colmes was nearly hysterical (in a way many claim President Obama has not been) about criticism directed at Obama from some unlikely sources over his handling of the oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico.

“I love to hear Conservatives suddenly embrace Maureen Dowd, and Frank Rich, and Jon Stewart, and quote them like everything they say now is gospel,” Colmes said angrily, in obvious need of some spiritual counseling from the I-Man.

Contrary to what others have claimed, Colmes insisted Obama has not been MIA on the troubles in the Gulf. “I think he’s got an optics problem, not a metric problem,” he said. “He’s been there, he’s been doing it. This criticism that he’s supposed to emote—what is he supposed to be doing, a Stella Adler course? Do you want a drama queen as President, or do you want someone who’s actually doing something?”

Far from wanting a drama queen, Imus suggested Obama could stand to do a some Bill Clinton-esque lip-biting. Obama, said Colmes, is “focused,” “calm,” and “cool.” Imus demurred, calling the President “aloof,” “incompetent,” and “a buffoon.”

“I’m glad we settled that,” said Colmes, who is not, despite calling the Israeli government “thuggish,” a self-hating Jew.

He pointed out that Hamas is a duly elected government of Gaza that is not being respected by people like Deputy Prime Minister Avi Lieberman, who once said he would execute any Arab in the Knesset who spoke to Hamas.

Following threats of strangulation from the I-Man, Colmes further ticked us off by saying the federal government should be the only ones enforcing immigration law in the U.S.

“You can’t have 50 different states having 50 different ways of enforcing federal law,” he said, and wondered why all the small government-loving Tea Partiers aren’t speaking out about the “police state” in Arizona.

To which Imus replies, “No wonder Hannity said, ‘Enough.’ Who needs to listen to this every night?”

And with that, Colmes’s hardy ten minutes on air mercifully came to an end.

-Julie Kanfer