Imus and Chris Wallace: A Love Story

Because Chris Wallace asked, Imus said he was doing well, continuing to successfully battle cancer. Wallace wished him the best in his fight, a sentiment the I-Man doubted.

“I don’t like you,” Wallace admitted. “But I don’t wish you dead.”

As for what was with “that dickhead McCartney” making an ill-advised joke about President George W. Bush at a White House event last night, Wallace observed that Imus could be the one person in the world who doesn’t like Paul McCartney.

Called “unbelieveable” for his semi-defense of McCartney, Wallace said, “I’m unbelievable because I’m defending The Beatles?”

No, silly. “John Lennon was a Beatle,” said Imus. And for the record, that great songwriting team from the 60s and 70s? Lennon and Stupid. Not Lennon and McCartney.

Having kicked things off on a mature note, the two moved on to talk of the oil leak raging in the Gulf of Mexico, and what President Obama can and cannot do to help.

“The President is in trouble, because rightly or wrongly, we ascribe certain powers to the President,” said Wallace, who, as luck would have it, spoke with a top Democratic strategist last week about this very subject. “He said he though it was Obama’s Iranian hostage crisis; in the same way, Jimmy Carter got blamed for something that one could argue he couldn’t really do much about.”

But all Imus heard was “top Democratic strategist,” and fixated on procuring that person’s identity from his guest. “If you don’t tell us,” Imus threatened. “Next time we see you we’ll beat it out of you.”

Sufficiently not scared, Wallace told Imus he thinks the idea that Obama emoting more about the oil leak will somehow make anything better is “stupid.” Kinda like how FDR’s fireside chats were stupid, and Reagan’s television appearance after the Challenger explosion was stupid? Huh, Wallace?

“It doesn’t come naturally to this President, and you can’t fake it,” he protested, adding that Obama “needs to plug the hole, and he needs to clean the beaches.”

To which Imus mumbled, “Have another cheeseburger.” And then, “I’m going to plug your hole.”

For his merciful final point, Wallace addressed the report that Obama asked movie director James Cameron, who often films underwater, for advice on stemming the flow of oil at the bottom of the ocean.

“Mr. President, ‘Avatar’ was a movie,” said Wallace, who had no idea what would happen on Fox News Sunday, the show he’ll host in three days. Imus speculated the guests would include “a bunch of right-wing nuts,” like it does every Sunday.

“You mean,” Walalce began, “People who love America?”

That too.

-Julie Kanfer