Imus Reveals His Own Torture Memos To Use On Paul Begala

Paul Begala, the eminent Democratic strategist, still has not obtained a copy of Van Morrison's album Astral Weeks, a carnal sin in I-Land. Instead, he recommended to Imus the new Steve Earle album Townes.

"It's stupid," said Imus. "And now I think you're stupid."

For his part, Begala thinks the entire Republican Party is stupid. "They're putting Cheney out there again!" he said gleefully. "We couldn't get him to talk for eight years, and now we can't get him to shut up."

He thinks Cheney's idea of a Republican Party led by Rush Limbaugh instead of Colin Powell should be given a try. Imus asked Begala to stop insulting "my boy" Rush.

"I'm glad you guys are friends, and Jesus loves him," said Begala. "But I don't."

Obama's decision not to release the torture photos (despite Imus's contention that they would make a phenomenal calendar) required him to flip-flop on the issue, something Begala supported.

"If Bush was wrong about something, he did more of it," said Begala. "I think [Obama] took a political hit, but I don't care. The most important thing is to protect the country."

Speaking of national security, Begala cited a recent poll, conducted by none other than his close friend and fellow liberal weenie James Carville, showing that Americans now trust Obama more than they did Bush to keep the country safe.

"That's a sea change!" said Begala. "When the Democrats start winning national security debates in the polls by 22 points, this thing is over."

Imus's salient reply: "Are you still talking?"

Suffering from not just prostate cancer but also a cold this morning, the I-Man had some trouble focusing on Begala's nonsense, but soldiered on.

"When are they going to put Nancy Pelosi to sleep?" he wondered about the embattled House Speaker, who allegedly knew about the torture the Bush administration had sanctioned but did nothing to prevent it.

Begala tried to rummage through his list of excuses for whiny Democrats, and Imus was appalled.

"How do you sleep at night?" he asked Begala. "It's a good thing you're not in here, because we would torture you. We'd hang you up by your thumbs, take some jumper cables, and attach them to your you-know-whats!"

Forgive him, Paul. This time, it's the cancer and the congestion talking.

-Julie Kanfer