Monica Crowley Can't Stop Talking About Tiger

Monica Crowley, a very smart woman with lots to say about lots of stuff, wanted to talk about one thing this morning, and one thing only.

"Tiger Woods," she said. "I put on a good routine, like, 'I'm so above this story, there are so many other really important, pressing issues facing the nation.' And then every time I open the New York Post I get sucked in and spend 20 minutes reading about this story."

The reason she thinks people are so riveted by Tiger's now 11 alleged mistresses is simple: sex. Oh, and the whole double-life, fall-from-grace thing. More than anything, Crowley is impressed.

"Who knew that Tiger Woods was so organized?" she said, referring to his ability to win on the course, maintain relationships with his sponsors, take care of his wife and kids, and still have almost a dozen girlfriends.

"If this whole golf thing collapses, he could become the Tony Robbins of time management," she added. "He could go out there and counsel people on how to juggle all of these balls, so to speak."

While some people are growing tired of this story, Crowley is not one of them, and had plenty of material left. "I think in keeping with the whole theme of the Obama administration, these women should unionize," said the ardently right wing Crowley. "There's enough of them. They could band together and demand health benefits."

The fascination with Tiger Woods's very public downfall, she added, is borne from an obsession with human drama at a very basic level. "People are captivated by other peoples' problems because each one of us has our own issues," said Crowley. "When we see a celebrity fall, it reminds us of our own situation."

Crowley admitted that deep down most women want to be porn stars, despite any elegant appearance to the contrary. At which point Imus saw fit to change the subject to President Obama, whose 47 percent approval rating is the lowest in history at this point in a presidency.

"There's a lot of frustration among American people with the economy still in dire straits, and unemployment still at ten percent, and underemployment in the upwards of 18 percent," she said. "This President should be focused like a laser beam on that."

Instead, he's homed in on health care and the environment, which Crowley finds odd given Obama's tendency to smoke the occasional cigarette. He's also a friend of Tiger's, Imus pointed out, but oh darn, we're out of time.

-Julie Kanfer