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Charlie Sheen's Diary: March 1, 2011

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up in a pool of hookers. It used to be filled with water, but I find that hookers are much better to dive into. Then again, some of these broads had enough saline in their implants that, technically, the pool is still filled with salt water. I climbed out of the pool and made my way to the kitchen for a little breakfast. I had a box of Frosted Flakes and 7 grams of coke, snorted off a box of Corn Flakes. Breakfast of champions. They were Grrrrrrreat! Bring it! 

Usually I don’t get up early enough to have breakfast, but some construction workers were making a racket outside of my house. At least, that’s what I thought it was, until I realized that it was my heartbeat.

I’m glad I’m up early. I have a TV interview that I need to be fresh for. This chick is pretty hot, too. If I buy her a Porsche, maybe she’ll let me hit it. If not, well, I’ll just hit the Boxster. Who cares?

I gotta hit the road. I just got wind of the fact that my old man is planning an intervention. So I’m going O.J., and climbing over the fence of my own property. The only way I’m leaving a bloody glove behind is if I blow my nose into one of my vintage baseball mitts. Catch you on the flip side Marty.

I’m winning!


Tony Powell Live!

Tony Powell will appear at Uncle Vinnie's Comedy Club on Friday, Feb. 25 & Saturday, Feb. 26! For tickets and more info, go to Uncle Vinnie's website, or call 877-862-5384.

Jesse Jackson: Ryhmin' the Times

Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe.
She was watching Dancing with the stars; there was nothing else to do
She sat there feeling
this line-up was not appealing
Putting on the ABC station
she saw Mike The Situation
ABC is ailing
if they think I want to see Bristol Palin
Flailing
Oh no!
Is that Margaret Cho??
Hasselhoff, without the booze???
Wasn’t there someone else they could choose??
Why couldn’t they get Slim Shady,
instead of Carol Brady?
Oh this is just too revolting
You think I’m gonna watch Michael Bolten?
There’s no way to watch theses faces.
I’m leaving this shoe, and tying up the laces
 
Braylon Edwards was out driving drunk
It goes without saying this guy is a punk
This was damn near deranged
having blood alcohol twice the legal range
This exchange is more than strange
Driving under the influence in your Range Rover
like your boy Donte Stallworth, who ran somebody over
 Hard Knocks??
You should be beaten With soap inside of a sock
Drinking before you drive?
You’re lucky, you dope, that you’re still alive.
 
Eddie Long
preached homosexuality was wrong
He thought homosexuals were a plague on society
Now he’s accused of sexual impropriety
All this anti-gay noise
now he’s accused of  using boys
as sexual toys
Using a paddle to spank them on their tushes
I guess you want to stay out the bushes!
 
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear
Fuzzy couldn’t help but stare
at Imus and what he chose to wear
Where did he shop ?
At a homeless clothing swap?
Boy must’ve gotten dressed in the dark
Looking like the illegitimate child of Diane Keaton and Harpo Marx..

 

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: Labor Day, Kanye, and Fuzzy

On Labor Day, politicians had their say
in a rhetorical ballet trying to defray
concerns over our economic decay.
All the jobless could do was pray
while listening to some talking toupee
trying to underplay
the fact that high unemployment might be here to stay.
We all know somebody desperate for labor.
It could be you, maybe your neighbor.
The government spends billions on banks
who never say thanks.
While millions have joined the unemployment ranks.
This whole thing is stank.
It’s like the economy has pooted
and if these politicians don’t fix it,  they need to be booted.
 
Kanye West said he was depressed
and thought it would be best
 if he just took some time to digest
why people have come to detest the mess
he caused at the MTV Video Award fest.
Poor little Taylor Swift
instead of getting the lift
that comes from winning that little statue gift
she was given short shrift
by obnoxious Kanye, causing a rift.
Now West says he wrote Taylor a song
to apologize for being wrong
and for sneaking up on her like the Viet Cong.
For Kanye, that night must be kind of hazy.
He thinks he can be thought of as a Goodfella, like Martin Scorcese
but to me that bitch is still crazy.
 
Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear.
Fuzzy was in his underwear
surfing the web in his lounge chair.
Fuzzy was on his favorite site
hoping to invite
someone whose price was right.
Fuzzy was trying to enlist someone to assist,
by tying him up his wrists and engaging in a little cave tryst.
What’s this?
No more adult section on Craig’s List?
Fuzzy sat there with a clenched fist.
He was really piss…mad.
He was tense and wouldn’t be able to get loose.
He lost the number of his favorite masseuse.
The one that would paddle him on his furry little caboose.
For the right amount of dollars
she would make Fuzzy holla.