Charles Rangel, Man of Action: Showdown in Ko-Town

In March, North Korea torpedoed a South Korean Warship, killing 46 sailors. I received a call from my good friend, South Korean president Lee Myung-Bak, asking for help and warning me that the North Koreans would try to preemptively take out South Korea’s greatest weapon: Me! 

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Of course they would come after me. As you know, I’m a bad man. Charlie Rangel puts the laughter in manslaughter. Think about it. I trained my dog to pick up his own poop because I don’t take crap from anyone.

I jump in a cab and head down to Korea Town to Sung’s Korean Barbecue. I ain’t no punk. I hide in plain sight. I walk in and take a table in the corner.  Then in he walks, my old nemesis, General Min Kee Moon. He’s followed by a platoon of North Korean army regulars called Moon’s platoon. Our eyes meet. Well, not quite. Moon is cockeyed, the result of our last meeting and a carefully placed scissor kick to the back of the face. 

Moon says, “You should not have come here.” 

I look over my shoulder and said, “You talking to me, Moon?”

I wasn’t trying to be De Niro, but it was hard to tell who the cockeyed bastard was looking at. He looks at his lieutenant and orders him to attack. Two lieutenants look around, point at themselves and say, “Who, me?”

I leap into action. I did a flying scissor kick and skewered half the platoon. A Rangel kabob. The rest flee in terror. Do you know what happened to the Moon? Bang Zoom. Silly bastards. Bringing a platoon to a Charlie Rangel fight. 

Charles Rangel, Man of Action: Shaken, Not Stirred

I first met James Bond at the Casino in Monte Carlo back in the fifties. He was my British Intelligence liaison. I taught him everything he knows; how to walk, how to talk, how to avoid a hat being thrown at you. The kid had no style. He walked into the Casino wearing a plaid sport coat, clip-on tie, and brown shoes after six. I walked up, and introduced myself, “Hello my name is Rangel, Charlie Rangel”
He said, “Wow Charlie Rangel. I’m …. I’m James Bond. Double O-3 1/2.”
I said, “Kid, you stand out like a sore thumb.”
 I had my tailor hook him up with a black tuxedo and a bow tie. Imus, ladies love the bow tie. We met at the bar around six, I ordered vodka martinis. Tea totaling bastard downs his and is about to urp when I cover his mouth and shake him up and down. That’s where the “shaken not stirred came from.”
Minutes later our target walks in: Chinese weapon supplier and top female assassin Buddha Call. She’s playing high stakes Baccarat with North Korean money. If I can beat her at the tables, I stop the North Koreans. Bond was lucky at cards but afraid of girls so it’s up to me to make the Buddha Call.
Bond says, “Be careful Mr. Rangel she’s a trained killer.”
I say, “I don’t know if you heard Jimbo, But I’m a Bad man.”
Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before I made it my bitch. She has the shoe and deals the cards.
She says, “Nine Mr.Rangel.”
I say,“Nine, and then some.”
I wake up in the morning with her draped over me like an Allen David suit. As I walk out the door she says, “Call me Charles.” When I need another Buddha Call, I’ll holler. Silly North Koreans, bringing a female assassin to a Charlie Rangel fight.

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: Still Not Rhyming

Say the following and fight the urge to rhyme:

South Korea experienced violence from the North.
That left their president pacing back and …ah…holding his head.
Trying to decide
how to respond to the 46…killed.
The South Korean people aren’t too thr…happy.
What the North did was really crrrr….
Bring these countries to the brink of  war.
We have no idea what’s in st…ahead
but I know South Korea’s defenses are at code rrr…high alert.
They’re about to get busy and go to wo…. Oh you’ll find out.
They aren’t going to be walking softly and carrying a big stick.
 They’re going to show you what happens when you act like a big di…doofus.
With buck toofus.

See, Piece of cake   

Louisiana’s wetlands have begun to spoil
as a direct result of BP’s…crude.
Well that’s just plain…. mean.
They’ve banned the press from letting the damage be…reported.
This Mexican Gulf’s brown tide can’t be depor…sent back.
That’s just wiggity wiggity wh…wrong.
BP turned the Gulf in to the La Brea tar pit.
What was beautiful now looks like sh….poop.

Jesse James
should feel asham….disgraced
for sleeping with the skank with the tattooed…mug.
Crying on TV?
You’re supposed to be some biker...tough.
Your interview acting was as bad as Shia Leb…Keanu Reeves.
Thank god Saundra had the good sense to…split.
Your father isn’t the only one that wants to see you get...beat.  

Jesse I am
I do not like green eggs and…bacon
I used to rhyme now I’m only...pretending.
It was easy before to know where it was...going.
 Now the trick is not kno…Now it’s hard to tell.
You know what Imus? You can go to…Hades.
In a brand new S-Class Merc…. Ford truck
You evil…guy

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: Not Rhyming

In your best Jesse Jackson voice try not rhyming the following:

On Tuesday Imus didn’t like the rhyming words that are part of my schtick.
Truthfully he was acting like a big ( Pause) Richard.
So I no longer rhyme.
Fill in the blanks
and you’ll have my…Thh…gratitude.

John Edwards wants to cop a plea.
He hopes the prosecutors will aaaa……say yes.
Because that would be……bbb good.
He’s out on bail,
he doesn’t want to go to ….jjj prison.
He hopes they make the right  dddd…choice.
He’s afraid of jail life.
He’s a husband, he’ll be somebody’s wi...woman.
Prison life is sick.
He’ll be forced to suck his husband’s...toe.
See I could do it.

Mark Souder,
who looks like nasty clam ch...gumbo.
Didn’t think it was ….strange. 
Screwing out the br…mind
of someone working part...reduced hours.
The story made me want to take a shhh…bath.
Souder better do the ma….calculations.
It would’ve been cheaper if you engaged in masterba…If you had spanked your monkey.

Fuzzy w...was a bear.
He told rhymes that were beyond comp…That were pretty damn good.
The audience laughed as they shhh…
Because they wou..….um.
I don’t know why they laughed. S

Sadly Fuzzy had bad luck because he was working for some dumb…..fff guy.  

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: Miss America

In your best game show announcer, civil-rights activist, Jesse Jackson voice say the following rhymes out loud:

The other night
to their sheer delight
Muslims caught sight
of a woman with a smile that was bright
looking resplendent in white
they couldn’t believe their plight
learning that 2010’s winner, was a...Shiite.
Pray as we might
that folks will be polite,
and treat her right
but you know they’ll be trouble, when she takes her next flight. 

Rima Fakih
was announced by the emcee
and added a new branch to the American beauty tree.
I know some of you may not agree,
find yourselves displeased,
and want a blonde blue-eyed reprise,
and hope that they seize
and take the keys
from this American beauty, born Lebanese.

She has beauty and talents, some that she doesn’t extol
because baby won money dancing on the stripper pole.
So what if she shook it for a bar to view?
As long as she wasn’t screaming Loo Loo Loo Loo.  
Some say she has family in Hezbollah
but she’s not acting bipolar,
hiding secrets in her molars,
being used by some foreign controller,
walking into Times Square with a bomb disguised as a stroller, b
eing wooed in a mosque by some Shiite holy roller,
sending a check to the Ayatollah.
Instead she’s walking with a sash on her shoulder
She’s the Miss America title holder,
no need for CIA file folders
looking for terrorist nests or hives,
we want this girl to thrive
and keep our Miss Universe hopes alive.

Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuz a bear
Watching the pageant he began to glare,
stare,
at the brown-eyed girl with the dark hair,
beyond compare.
She was so fine, it wasn’t fair.
Omigod Fuzzy went there .
Fuzzy was huffing,
Fuzzy wuz puffing,
Fuzzy screamed, sighed.
Look, there’s was a room full of stuffing