Charlie Sheen's Diary: March 1, 2011
Dear Diary,
Today I woke up in a pool of hookers. It used to be filled with water, but I find that hookers are much better to dive into. Then again, some of these broads had enough saline in their implants that, technically, the pool is still filled with salt water. I climbed out of the pool and made my way to the kitchen for a little breakfast. I had a box of Frosted Flakes and 7 grams of coke, snorted off a box of Corn Flakes. Breakfast of champions. They were Grrrrrrreat! Bring it!
Usually I don’t get up early enough to have breakfast, but some construction workers were making a racket outside of my house. At least, that’s what I thought it was, until I realized that it was my heartbeat.
I’m glad I’m up early. I have a TV interview that I need to be fresh for. This chick is pretty hot, too. If I buy her a Porsche, maybe she’ll let me hit it. If not, well, I’ll just hit the Boxster. Who cares?
I gotta hit the road. I just got wind of the fact that my old man is planning an intervention. So I’m going O.J., and climbing over the fence of my own property. The only way I’m leaving a bloody glove behind is if I blow my nose into one of my vintage baseball mitts. Catch you on the flip side Marty.
I’m winning!