From the Greenroom: The Hulk Hogan Edition

Our guest this morning was the one and only, original, living  legend, bone fide, Real American Icon, Hulk Hogan.  As a little kicker, he brought along ‘Jimmy Hart’, storied Pro Wrestling Manager, and original member of ‘The Gentrys’, that sixties pop group that brought you such hits as ‘Keep on Dancin’.’  For a guy who’s been busting heads for a living for the better part of the last twenty years, The Hulkster is an incredibly humble, down to earth, engaging, and completely gracious man.  I envisioned some Suplexes and Pile Drivers here in the Green Room, as I’m sure the endless photo op and autograph requests must’ve been tedious, but he was ever the gentleman, kindly complying with each appeal.  A class act all around. 

Back in October, he published a book, an autobiographical tome entitled My Life Outside The Ring.  In it, the Hulkster provides the lowdown on the smackdown… some revolutionary revelations are included within, but I’m not sure if any of the following are among them:

Outside the ring, Andre the Giant liked to dress up in a white crinoline dress and demand to be referred to as ‘Jeanette.’ 

Nature Boy Ric Flair gets a full on Brazilian Bikini Wax twice a week.

Macho Man Randy Savage was a tenor in the Orlando Light Opera Company

Stone Cold Steve Austin collects Hummels.

Every Friday Night, King Kong Bundy trolls the NAMBLA online chat room under the screen name ‘Uncle Paul’.

The Undertaker wasn’t Bar Mitzvahed until the age of 35.

‘The Rock’ had a volatile, torrid affair with Rue McLanahan during her ‘Golden Girls’ days.

Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan was the original ‘Eddie Haskell’ on ‘Leave it to Beaver’

Vince McMahon NEVER took anabolic steroids.  But he does wear a prosthetic neck to conceal the bolts.

The Fabulous Moolah, before she died, said the only regret she had in her life was that she was very often mistaken for Don Imus. 


From the Greenroom

The Gatlin Brothers are in the Green Room with us today: Larry, Steve, and Rudy. It's been a long time since we've had such a charming bunch of guys to hang out with. I'm a little embarrassed as we don't have our usual 'Musician' hospitality tray of lukewarm egg wraps. I guess the Gatlins don't have that stringent a backstage rider. When Ryan Bingham was here, we had a 'Made To Order' omelet station. Although it was somewhat suspicious, as Jenna Lee was the one manning it.

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Larry King Avatar

Had my Uncle cremated this weekend.  Which might've been a mistake...especially because he wasn't dead yet.  Y'know, you'd think the banging on the coffin lid woulda been a red flag.  But my Aunt had a coupon, so...

Went to see Avatar yesterday, the animated 3D fantasy about a group of Explorers who travel to a New World to exploit its inhabitants...and one of them becomes romantically involved with one of the native peoples.  Of course, I liked it the first time I saw it back in 1995.  When it was called 'Disney's Pocahontas'.

I know it's the frontrunner for Best Picture this Sunday.  I just couldn't get into the whole love story thing with the blue people.  They were kinda creepy looking.  Like cats who swam in a toilet filled with Ti-D-Bowl.

Some movies just don't lend themselves to 3D.  Like porn, for example.  Went to see 'Ass A Tar' in 3D at the Pink Pussycat theatre in L.A.  Wish I had the umbrella concession there.

When we were kids we didn't have 3D movies.  We had 3D radio, though.  My brother and I would sit in a chair, turn on Little Orphan Annie and my old man would throw stuff at us.  'Look out, Annie!  A brick!'

Of all the best picture nominees, my favorite is the one about the troubled, African American teenager's journey to personal redemption and acceptance.  'The Blind Side:  Based on the Novel 'Push' By Sapphire'.

I am George Papandreou

The Prime Minister of Greece, George Papandreou, recently held a cabinet meeting to discuss the economic problems his country is facing, and has drawn up an appeal for help that he would like to present to the world.  Our crack team of journalists from the Imus in the Morning Newsroom were able to obtain a transcript of that address, which follows here in a 'gisted' translation.

I am George Papandreou, Prime Minister of Greece.  And I would like to dispel the stereotype that the Greek people are just a bunch of Diner owners who call everybody 'My friend', and ask, 'How many coffees.'   The Greeks have made innumerable contributions to modern society, and so we feel we deserve a little financial consideration for that fact.  Jenna Lee has told you, numerous times, on the very fine Fox Business Network...we are broke.  Really broke. Like, we invested with Bernie Madoff kind of broke.  Which, is a situation that FBN's  Mr. Belvedere, Stuart Varney, finds as a source of much amusement.  Yeah, I'm sure you think this is a REAL scream, Ringo.  But I bet you wouldn't be laughing if it was that horse-faced queen of yours who had to live in the refrigerator box.

Language?  We invented that.  Without the Greeks, everybody would still be pointing and grunting like Cavemen. And we've never charged you for it.  Well, guess what, bitches?  We are now.  And speaking of pointing and grunting like cavemen, all you fraternity brothers: Delta Sigma Phi, Lambda Chi Alpha.  Without the Greeks, all you beer guzzling, hosebag banging morons would have no place to hold your 'keggers'  So...time to pony up, you deadbeats.

All you perverts out there?  Sodomy?  Pederasty?  Those are ours, yeah.  I mean, if it wasn't for us, Chris Hansen wouldn't have a career.  You're welcome.  Just make the checks out to 'Cash'.  Or, even better, just send a money order, that way you can sign a phony name.  It's not like you're going to be able to write it off on your taxes.

The Greeks are not just a bunch of Souvlaki Jockeys.  We have contributed to the world so much more than just Spinach Pie and Telly Savalas.  For thousands of years, we have let civilization slide, but now, it's time for you ungrateful bastards to cough it up.  Any dessert?  No?  Ok.  Please pay the girl at the register.  Tip is not included, by the way.

Thank you.

Live From the Greenroom

Willie Nelson is on Kinky Friedman's website, asking his fellow Texans to vote for the Kinkster as Agriculture Commissioner today.  It's not the most enthusiastic of endorsements.  It's not exactly Ted Nugent for Mike Huckabee.  Willie sounds like he's just come off the roof of the White House after burning one with Hamilton Jordan, ten seconds away from an uncontrollable paroxysm of the munchies.    At the end of the spot, right after he says 'Tell 'em Willie sent ya.'  You half expect to hear him ask the recording engineer.  'Hey, got any Goo Goo Clusters on ya?'.

The use of Willie to make a pitch for Texas' Agriculture Commissioner makes sense, as he was the man who first brought the many challenges of the American Farmer into the Zeitgeist with his 'Farm Aid' concerts.  He just doesn't sound all that... 'into' it.  In fact, you half expect the copy to read:  "Vote for Kinky...or not, it's really up to you.  I gotta go take a leak."

What Kinky needs is a ringing endorsement.  The support of a rabid, resolute, unabashed Kinky Friedman fan.  Someone who believes not only should he be the Agriculture Commissioner, but also Governor, Senator, President and Pope.  Someone who considers Kinky to be a 'Christ-Like' figure, one who could single-handedly save the world.  Someone who loves Kinky more than anything else on the planet.

He really should have done it himself.