I am George Papandreou
The Prime Minister of Greece, George Papandreou, recently held a cabinet meeting to discuss the economic problems his country is facing, and has drawn up an appeal for help that he would like to present to the world. Our crack team of journalists from the Imus in the Morning Newsroom were able to obtain a transcript of that address, which follows here in a 'gisted' translation.
I am George Papandreou, Prime Minister of Greece. And I would like to dispel the stereotype that the Greek people are just a bunch of Diner owners who call everybody 'My friend', and ask, 'How many coffees.' The Greeks have made innumerable contributions to modern society, and so we feel we deserve a little financial consideration for that fact. Jenna Lee has told you, numerous times, on the very fine Fox Business Network...we are broke. Really broke. Like, we invested with Bernie Madoff kind of broke. Which, is a situation that FBN's Mr. Belvedere, Stuart Varney, finds as a source of much amusement. Yeah, I'm sure you think this is a REAL scream, Ringo. But I bet you wouldn't be laughing if it was that horse-faced queen of yours who had to live in the refrigerator box.
Language? We invented that. Without the Greeks, everybody would still be pointing and grunting like Cavemen. And we've never charged you for it. Well, guess what, bitches? We are now. And speaking of pointing and grunting like cavemen, all you fraternity brothers: Delta Sigma Phi, Lambda Chi Alpha. Without the Greeks, all you beer guzzling, hosebag banging morons would have no place to hold your 'keggers' So...time to pony up, you deadbeats.
All you perverts out there? Sodomy? Pederasty? Those are ours, yeah. I mean, if it wasn't for us, Chris Hansen wouldn't have a career. You're welcome. Just make the checks out to 'Cash'. Or, even better, just send a money order, that way you can sign a phony name. It's not like you're going to be able to write it off on your taxes.
The Greeks are not just a bunch of Souvlaki Jockeys. We have contributed to the world so much more than just Spinach Pie and Telly Savalas. For thousands of years, we have let civilization slide, but now, it's time for you ungrateful bastards to cough it up. Any dessert? No? Ok. Please pay the girl at the register. Tip is not included, by the way.
Thank you.