From the Green Room: You'll Poke Your Eye Out
Wednesday, January 5, 2011 
A Florida judge has just ruled that a Disneyworld groping case can move ahead in court. The Sunshine State is rapidly becoming the best example of the glaring need for tort reform in this country, as the Donald Duck Feel Up lawsuit comes on the heels of a $650,000 settlement for an injury a man incurred while receiving a lap dance at a Florida strip club. With apologies to Johnnie Cochran, “If he paid to see t***, you must acquit.”
There are many hazards in store for horny males who fill these nefarious nightspots of nookie with fistfuls of singles, hoping for the fleeting attentions of silicone-enhanced single moms with Daddy issues. Getting kicked in the face by a stripper’s heel would not be one that immediately leaps to mind. But in 2008, while Michael Ireland was enjoying the titillating Terpsichorean talents of a Grind Hostess at the Cheetah Club in West Palm Beach, he wound up not only getting his eye socket punctured, but some broken bones around his nose as well. Although eye damage is not something out of the realm of possibility at an adult social club, it is much easier to conjure the stripper as the one getting her eye “poked” by the tumid member of a particularly gifted and aroused lap-dance recipient. Not the other way around. Unless, of course, the dancer is a tranny.
But exactly how a stiletto heel wound up anywhere near the man’s face is somewhat confounding, unless the stripper in question was also a contortionist. You don’t have to have ever been a patron of a Strip Club to know that if the dancer’s feet are anywhere near your face during her performance, she’s either doing it wrong, or she’s showing off a Martha Graham-style modern dance routine that displays a creative legitimacy, the kind of which the genre is currently bereft.
The suit was settled out of court, thankfully, because if this case actually been handed to a jury, one could only imagine the kind of deliberations involved, with the myriad charts, photographic evidence and recreations of the “accident” necessary to assign damages. Not to mention that the cross examination of the dancer would’ve been more entertaining than the O.J. case:
“Tell me, Ms. Suki, when my client was in the midst of receiving his lap dance from you, was he himself in an aroused state?”
“No, he was in Florida.”
