From the Green Room: Sign This

Just when you thought your moon was in Jupiter, or you were a Sagittarius with a Pisces rising, comes the astrological revelation that there is now a 13th sign.  Due to the changes in the equatorial alignment of the Earth in relation to the sun over the past 300 centuries, there are now 13 different periods of the year. The effect of which, now adds a sign called Ophiuchus, which sounds less like a part of the Astrological chart than it does a hideous growth or some  kind of skin condition. “My dermatologist had to give me an ointment to clear up this Ophiuchus I have on the back of my neck.”

Parke Kunkle, a Minneapolis astronomer, discovered that the Earth’s “wobble” has caused an “Equinox Precession,” moving it some 23 degrees since Babylonian times, and, along with it, the constellations. Which means that there is also a shift in the chart; so if you were once a dichotomous Gemini, you are now a bull-headed Taurus. Not something which requires you to change your passport or driver’s license, just your entire personality profile and future. I hate to break it to you, former Scorpio, but where you were once determined and forceful, intuitive, exciting and magnetic, you are now an indecisive, gullible and self-indulgent Libra, which is probably why, when your previous sign’s horoscope told you it was a “good day to take a chance and do something risky,” you lost your shirt after buying all that Enron stock. You should have been looking at the recommendation for Libras: “Stay in bed until the darkness passes,”  Oops.  Hear that?  It’s the Universe saying, “Sorry, my bad.”

It’s the most significant thing to happen to newspapers since the brief period of time when the sign for Cancer was changed to “Moon Children,” so as not to force the other, more negative definition of the word on the poor people who were born between the 22nd of June and the 22nd of July. It may not seem like news, unless you consider that 26 percent of all Americans believe in astrology. It certainly calls into question all the advice Nancy Reagan got from her astrologer, especially on the day poor ol’ Ronnie got shot.  Had she been given the right information, the President might have stayed home that day and watched a Jodie Foster movie instead of being in the line of fire of her “biggest fan.” It also might have affected the singles scene back in the 70’s: “I’m a Leo with a penis rising.” Oh, really?

The next thing you know, they’re going to disprove the efficacy of fortune cookies.  Although, the only one that’s ever applied to me is the rib-tickler I get every other time I go to Big Wong’s: “You like Chinese food.” Now that I think of it, I wonder whether this astrological shift affects the Chinese Zodiac as well.  

Forget about the indignity of going from a set of twins to a bull. It would be a damn shame for anybody born in the Year of the Dragon to suddenly wake up and find themselves a Pig.