From the Green Room: Food Festivals

good for youLast Friday was National Cheesecake day, a cheap attempt by the National Cream Cheese Council to get you to indulge in an extra 500 calories or so. It’s like the Tequila Distillers PR Machine making Cinco De Mayo the Mexican version of St. Paddy’s Day. It’s a scam not unlike the Greeting Card Companies creating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day just to get you to buy more of something that you probably shouldn’t be buying in the first place. I love my Mom, but she doesn’t need me blowing 3 bucks on some cardboard and lace validation of my feelings for her.

Every summer, Food Festivals, events designed to showcase local, regional delicacies, are bounteous. There are almost as many of them as there are bacteria in the Jersey Shore Beach House Jacuzzi. On June 5th, the Little Chute Cheese Festival was held, naturally, in Wisconsin. For three days, a gastronomical explosion of "les belles choses de fromage" takes place, with rides for the kids, well, now we know who cut the cheesecheese tastings and, of course, the world-famous cheese carving exposition. You haven't lived until you’ve seen a Leaning Tower of Pisa fashioned completely out of Sardinian Pecorino Romano.  It certainly sounds festive, although one wonders what kind of "rides for the kids" might compliment the theme: a "Cheese Log Flume," a "Roller Curdster," or a "Ferris Wheel of Brie?" 

Yarmouth, Massachusetts hosts a Clam Festival; Cordova, Alaska a Salmon Festival; and Rockland, Maine a Lobster Festival, all making perfect sense. But there are some Food Fests that, at first glance, appear somewhat unusual, to say the least.

Everyone’s favorite Eastern European potato dumpling gets feted every July in Whiting, Indiana, when the Pierogi Fest takes place. Last year it featured The World’s Largest Pierogi: a big pierogia 92-pound carbohydrate overload fashioned from 27 lbs of flour, 18 eggs, 58 potatoes, two gallons of water, "lots of onions," and enough butter to slam shut at least two arteries by just looking at it.

Further West, you would have been safe from all Vampires this past July 24th in Gilroy, California, the setting of the 30th annual Garlic Festival. The fragrant blossom was celebrated in myriad forms, from French Fries to Ice Cream to The Great Garlic Cook-Off and the Miss Gilroy Garlic Pageant, an event that must have one hell of a talent competition. Coincidentally, on July 25th, neighboring San Martin, California hosted its 29th annual Toothpaste and Mouthwash Festival. 

But the jewel in the food festival crown will take place this Thursday, August 4th, when the Rock Creek Lodge in Clinton, Montana, hosts the opening night party of the renowned Testy Festy… the Testicle Festival.  For only $17, you can avail yourself of "five Days and nights of wild, sexy, pretty much the only PG-13 pic from Testy Festynaked fun." Other than the predictable Rocky Mountain Oyster eating contest, the events include wet t-shirt contests, tattoo contests, beer belly contests, oil-wrestling contests, best chest contests, and something intriguingly called the "Undie 500."   As the photos on their website suggest, the Testy Festy appears to be a biker-heavy bacchanalia rivaling Mardi Gras in New Orleans. There are rules, ostensibly to keep the proceedings classy:  no minors, no pets, no weapons or firearms and no fireworks or explosives.

Hopefully, those restrictions won’t keep anyone from "having a ball."