From the Green Room: Too Hot to Handle

Debralee "Too Hot" LorenzanaThe world is on the verge of ecological disaster, financial collapse, and moral disintegration.  And yet, right there on the front page of the Daily News this morning is a headline about a woman who was fired from Citibank for being “too hot,” and not in a global warming kind of way. Ms. Debralee Lorenzana was deemed “too attractive” to work for one of the nation’s largest financial institutions. Unfortunately, that’s not a problem at my branch.

The staff at the bank where I do my business must be the reason direct deposit was invented, because I’d risk the extra nine business days it takes my paycheck to clear by sticking it in the slot at the drive through ATM than face the genetic mutants sitting behind those teller windows. On the few occasions I’ve been required to interact face-to-what-passes-This guy works at Rob's bankfor-a-face, I was overwhelmed by a desire to sign my checks over to them for corrective plastic surgery. The woman manning the safety deposit box would be considered too hideous even by middle school lunch lady standards, and the guy who in charge of new accounts makes the Elephant Man look dreamy by comparison. You’re almost hesitant to accept the free toaster offered for opening a CD, because it seems he stuck his face in it first. He wears a gravy-stained white shirt, a too-short striped tie, and a Yoda button bearing the message, “Here to help you I am.”  Appropriate that he should be a Star Wars fan, seeing as he’s about the size of the Death Star.

A business banking officer at Citibanks, Ms. Lorenzana was relegated to a more clandestine position within the building in response to her sexual harassment claims.  Not all that unreasonable an assertion, given that her wardrobe consisted of sexy outfits and heels, which, according to her, were perfectly within the parameters of “business attire.”  Though her couture was too distracting for her male co-workers, I assert that while clothes do make the man, a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman regardless of what she wears on her back. But stick an ugly woman in a Dior gown and you’ve basically got a pig in a blanket. 

not the brightestMs. Lorenzana would look stunning in burlap sack, and in this climate of bailouts and deep resentment for financial institutions by the American people, Citibank is making a huge mistake by firing an attractive woman

In these economically uncertain times, it’s the surest, safest way to “compound interest,” thereby increasing a customer’s desire to “make a deposit.”