From the Green Room: Burger King, Ribs, and America

Susan Raatz, a USDA research nutritionist, said that obesity is the number one health problem in America. According to her, 66 percent the American population is overweight or obese. Raatz has obviously not recently visited Disneyworld, where a quick peek at the line for Space Mountain would suggest the number of non-fatties is in the single digits.

remember this guy?No one should be surprised by the statistic, given that in the same year KFC brought us the Holy Grail of Drive Thru Fare, The Double Down (two pieces of fried chicken fillets serve as a ‘bun’ to encase slices of Monterey pepper jack cheeses, bacon, and a special sauce…just in case you’ve been living under a rock for the past three months), Burger King has begun selling ribs.

Yes, you heard right. The creepy, plastic-headed monarch stuck his bejeweled tootsies in the barbecue pool. But just weeks after introducing their new menu item, Burger King abruptly stopped selling it, and not because they suddenly became health conscious. No, they ceased selling slabs of porcine goodness because…they ran out.

America ate them all. More than ten million of those little, smoked, piggie bones. According to one America REALLY enjoyed thisfranchisee, they were “ahead of the projections from the get-go.”  As Wendy’s “Baconator” suggests, this isn’t the only pork-centric item that has been offered at a fast food restaurant, just the first time ribs were available. Unless you count the McDonalds McRib, which more closely resembled a pressboard roofing shingle submerged in what was allegedly barbecue sauce and stuck on a bun with pickles and a few strips of raw onion than it did actual ribs. Apparently, Mickey D’s believed that to promote the sale of their rib-like product, it had to be fashioned in a manner so as to be injested while driving. It’s a concept that, even to the most casual barbecue enthusiast, is sheer blasphemy. You didn’t have to be a gourmand to know that the McRib was more than just a pale imitation of the real thing.  It could hardly even be considered food.

To their credit, Burger King embraced the concept of the bone.  They knew that a babyback is only a what's up with this guy?babyback if you can see what once connected it to a spine. Rib eating is a celebration of the consumption of a fellow vertebrate, and an affirmation of our superior position on the food chain. There is no greater endorphin rush than the ceremonial ingestion of a rib. Whether you prefer dry rub or slathered with sauce (ketchup based in Tennessee or mustard based in South Carolina), each delectable bite is a jubilant exclamation of, “Ha ha Porky, you cloven hooved bastard! Who’s your daddy now?  Buddabee buddabee buddabee, that’s ALL folks!”

In a masterstroke of genius, Burger King embraced that a rib is not an item meant to be eaten with one hand. Even if they were surprised that the larger, more expensive six and eight-piece packages proved to be the most popular, causing them to run out way before they had anticipated, they knew you were willing to pull over to the side of the road to enjoy them. And promptly made a fortune off that idea in a financial climate that has other fast-food outlets offering dollar menus and bargain meal deals.

They had faith in fat people’s lack of self-control. 

There is hope for America after all.