From the Green Room: Fat, Smoking Baby

Obesity is one of the biggest health risks facing children.  As evidence, there’s currently a viral video circulating the Internet featuring a two-year-old Sumatran boy who is so fat he has to get around on a little toy truck. It’s like the toddler version of the Little Rascal Scooter, a device ostensibly designed to help old, infirmed individuals move about, but in actuality is used by fat people to get to the head of the line at Disneyworld.  But that’s not what’s most striking about the “little” tyke.  Apparently, the kid’s also a smoker.  

Little Ardi Rizal has a two-pack-a-day habit. He hasn’t yet learned how to work the potty, but is already rather adept at blowing smoke rings. And the kid’s father is cool with it, he says, because Ardi looks “healthy” to him.  

That’s just a great big carton of unfiltered wrong.

Because if the old man’s going to sign off on the fruit of his loins needing a lung transplant before kindergarten, one wonders what other parenting faux pas he’s also making.  Does Junior Rizal have a drinking problem too?  Does he indulge in the three martini bottle lunch?  Polish off a sippy cup of Makers’ Mark after a hard day on the jungle gym?  

Perhaps Ardi also has a drug problem, overusing the Xanax or Vicodin prescribed to him by the Indonesian pediatrician who diagnosed him as having post-traumatic birth stress disorder. And maybe Pops is also okay with the “Terrible Twos,” referring not the toddler’s behavior but to his penchant for calling a pair of call girls from the escort service to accompany him on play dates. He already needs to go to Baby Overeaters Anonymous; he may also need rehab for alcohol, drugs and sex addiction. You can easily imagine a scenario where he’s shaking other babies down in the sandbox for money to buy an eight ball, just to get through the day. Or paying for a “happy ending” at his next diaper change.  

Before things get out of hand, some Indonesian official must step forward to save this baby.  Put the kid on a Snoopy nicotine patch, and get that monkey off his back before things get out hand. We already know how impressionable kids are, and how quickly fads can start. That’s how the whole Teletubbies thing gained traction.

Because before you know it, fat babies who smoke will become fat adults who smoke, and there’ll be that many more people cutting in front of you on line for the teacups at Disneyworld.