From the Green Room: Female Viagra

Just when you thought there was no God, the FDA announces they are considering an endorsement of a drug that would essentially be like Viagra…but for women.

Flibanserin, a substance developed to treat depression, was ineffectual in doing so, making it tantamount to those pills advertised on the Internet to make guys “bigger.”  You’d think the pharmaceutical company that developed the drug would just go ahead and market it under the name “Placebo,” and let the chips fall where they may.  But then they discovered that while unsuccessful as an anti-depressant, Flibanserin increases the libido of women. If the FDA signs off on the concept, the “Little Pink Pill” could literally revolutionize gettin’ busy as we know it. 

The “Little Blue Pill,” Viagra, was a discovery the likes of which modern medicine hadn’t seen since the Salk vaccine. It was the godsend for middle aged men, and those of us who found that, “raising the flag” was a challenging task from time to time. Suddenly, out of the depths of darkness and despair, Pfizer brought us into the Promised Land, and even spawned two similar drugs, Levitra and Cialis. However, the drawback of all three of those drugs was the man had to already be in a “state of arousal” in order for them to work, an oxymoronic notion in itself given that men are, for the most part, in a perpetual “state of arousal.”

Flibanserin will supposedly treat hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD, an otherwise unexplained loss of sexual thoughts, fantasies and desire. Some research suggests 10 percent of women may suffer from HSDD. That research obviously didn’t include the women I’ve dated. Flibanserin will address the main problem with ED drugs: despite delivering the goods for the men who take them, Viagra, etc. did nothing to increase their partner’s desire to “do the nasty.” Women require a bit more work to get to the place where they actually want to have sex, while there is never a time when men don’t. We could be at our mother’s funeral, and if one of our cousin’s girlfriends happens to look like Cameron Diaz, we will fantasize about doing it with her on top of the coffin.

Which is where Flibanserin comes in. Forget expensive, candlelit dinners, wine and flowers. You no longer need to shower your woman with compliments, whisper sweet nothings and proclamations of your deep love and devotion into her ear. All you need to do is slip your old lady one of these “Pink Beauties,” and she’s good to go.  It’s kind of like a more morally principled roofies. Still, I doubt it will be as successful as the technique that has served me well over the years; female Viagra is no match for the well-timed cash bribe.

The Little Pink Pill will never be as effective as The Little Green Bill.