From the Greenroom: Cheaters

Forget the earthquakes and the volcanoes and violent weather patterns. Pay no mind to reports of Pakistan’s nuclear capabilities. The only evidence you need to know that the earth is doomed is that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee and Jamie Jungers are going to host a reality series.

Being famous for being famous has long been a show business tradition.  You don’t have to be talented, perform a service, or even hold a job to be a celebrity and make millions, and for that Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Heidi Montag should drop to their collective knees to give thanks to their God.  (Yes, ladies, that IS something else you can do when you’re in that position.)

But now, to achieve pop-culture icon status, all one needs to do is have sex with a real celebrity.  Make the beast with two backs with someone who is already famous, and you will catch superstardom like it was a venereal disease.  You just have to make sure he is married, likes the dirty talk, and doesn’t lock his cell phone after “sexting.”

They will host the series “Cheaters,” I suppose only because the name “Deadliest Catch” was already taken (which is a damn shame, seeing as how both programs have some kind of crab in common).  But if you’re going to do a show called “Cheaters,” having the two more famous ones in recent history take the helm is not a bad idea.  Especially “Bombshell,” she of the full body tattoos that make her look like Jackson Pollack’s baby bib.  She could be her own walking billboard to help promote the show: have some needle wielding biker scrawl on her in Olde English lettering: “Cheaters: 11 PM, Wednesdays on Channel 15.” That’s assuming there’s two square inches anywhere on that bug-laden body that are still ink-free.. Jungers, on the other hand, is a Vegas cocktail waitress who lived the dream. If she hadn’t had sex with Tiger, nobody besides the odd drunk Shriner at a convention at the Bellagio would even know who the hell she is.    Nevertheless, she will share hosting duties for a nationally syndicated television show.

What kind of message does this send to the young people of America?  Don’t graduate college and begin a journey of paying dues, working long, hard hours to work your way up to the place where you can finally achieve your dream.  Just give a little “hand release” to a nationally known figure, make sure he’s married, and if you can, get it on videotape.  You’ll have a network deal before your 21st birthday.  

If you need me I’ll be outside Antonio Banderas’s hotel room.  I’ll be the one with the full body tattoo.