From the Green Room: Farmville

Hello, I’m Rob…and I’m a Farmville-A-Holic. 

At first, it was just an innocent time-waster…mindlessly plowing my little plot of land, planting and harvesting my virtual produce, my unnaturally large headed Avatar wandering around his domain, tending to the livestock,. My animated doppelganger seemed so much happier than I, probably because he was actually accomplishing something, while I was sitting like a rutabaga in front of my computer, on Facebook, my IQ points disappearing like a cottonfield infested with Bo Weevils.

There was something so pure about it.  I was rewarded with farm cash and experience points for everything I did, encouraged to be charitable to other players so that I could amass wealth that would allow me to expand my farm, purchase barns and other buildings, machinery, and, most importantly, decorative tchotchkes that would personalize my spread.  It was a perfect world, where the sheep returned my petting with little floating love hearts; a situation that, in retrospect, as I am in now recovery, is extremely troubling.

People I didn’t even know wanted me to be their neighbors, and showered me with gifts: Mystery Boxes, fuel for my tractor, Buffalo Topiaries and Peace Flags.  It was a Utopia of altruism: they’d pitch in to help me rid my farm of raccoons, fertilize my crops, and feed my chickens, without my request or expected reciprocation.  Of course, there was always a little appeal for a “gift back” whenever I received the “weathered brick” or “horseshoe” at barn raising time, but all it took was a couple of extra mouse clicks to share the wealth.  It wasn’t long before ALL of my spare time, the portions of the day I used to reserve for my many charitable works and visits to the gym, were spent on Facebook, playing computer Green Acres.

But as my farm expanded and I came to own a digital plantation that rivaled Tara itself, I discovered that I wasn’t collecting enough Farm Cash for my efforts. There was many a harvest when my little digital cartoon twin had to pick the crops by hand, one acre at a time, because my empty harvester lay dormant due to my not being able to purchase fuel with my Farm Coins. 

So, one awful day, frustrated at how long it was taking to maintain my make believe “Back 40,” I actually reached into my pocket for real cash…to buy virtual cash, so I could purchase ersatz gas to power my pretend tractor, so I could plow my imaginary field, and plant seeds…that do not exist in the real world.

I had hit bottom.

But with the grace of God and an itinerant imaginary farmer support group, I have been “Field Free” for six days.  I’m taking it one day at a time

I may not be tending to my crops as I once was, but I’ll be all around in the dark.  I’ll be everywhere, wherever you can look.  When there’s a neighbor who needs their leaves raked, I’ll be there.  Where there’s a lone bull that wanders onto someone’s property and needs to be adopted, I’ll be there. And when folks share their black mystery eggs, and when the people are buying colored hay bales to spell out ‘Farmville’ on their land…I’ll be there too.

In the meantime, I will be on Facebook, playing online Scrabble. 

It helps my vocabulary, and with the cheat site I found, I am virtually unbeatable.