From the Green Room: Larry King on Health Care Reform

Big news: health care.  And by that I don’t mean the private duty nurse I employ to keep my keister clean. I am one of the millions of Americans who desperately need coverage.  I’m at the age now where, every time I’m at the urinal, it’s like I’m peeing in Morse Code. 

I’ve had my share of medical procedures.  Over the past 15 years I’ve had a carotid endarterectomy, cataract surgery and I got more bypasses than the Santa Monica Freeway.  The CT Scan of my thoracic cavity looks like a bowl o’ Lo Mein at Big Wong’s. 

I’m not big on cosmetic surgery, but over the years I did have to get a couple of scrotum lifts.  Because when the package starts looking like a corduroy bowling ball cover, you gotta get some work done.  The most important thing is to have a good doctor.  Otherwise, you’d have to get all your Oxycontin scrips the way you used to in the old days…from your barber.

I’m more concerned about these “Death Panels.”  I don’t want to even think about a “Living Will,” because I still possess a pretty strong “Will to Live.” I just don’t know which one of my old ladies to give the power of attorney.  The last thing I want to see before I croak is all of them in a feeding frenzy, like a school of carp fighting over a can of biscuit dough.  Still, I’m happy that the new health care bill passed because they way I look at it, all the ex-wives are gonna need coverage, just in case a couple of ‘em sprain an ankle diving for the wall to kick out my plug. 

Hygiene, North Dakota:  Hippocrates:  Ancient Greek Physician?  Or God of those who pretend to have admirable principles but behave otherwise?  Your thoughts.