Blonde on Lupica: Steroids; Breastfeeding Dolls; and Hot Dogs

Since Lis Wiehl was not available (or because she and Deirdre Imus officially hate one another), today’s edition of Blonde on Blonde temporarily morphed into Blonde on Lupica, which Imus joked was akin to Mike Lupica’s apartment in the 1980s.
 
“What up, dog?” said Lupica, one of the most venerated sportswriters in the country, who, like most people, does not think athletes should be permitted to take steroids. “They’re against the law, and proscribing steroids to healthy people is against the law.”
 
What’s more, steroids make for an unlevel playing field if some athletes take ‘em and others don’t. “That’s why none of these guys who took them, or I think took them, are going to get my vote for the Hall of Fame,” he concluded.
 
Deirdre, a former college athlete at Villanova, was most concerned (obviously) about the physical effects of steroids on a person’s body. “It shrinks men’s testicles and their penises,” she announced. “So that’s the first thing to think of.”
 
Interestingly, her husband has been taking steroids for months to help him breathe. “Are you speaking from personal experience?” asked a near-hysterical Lupica.
 
But Deirdre was undeterred, wondering why any man would want to go around with a tiny penis. “Stop worrying about everybody else’s penis!” Imus finally jumped in.
 
Moving on to another body part, Imus asked his guests how they felt about something called “breast milk baby,” which is a doll for children that mimics breastfeeding, then cries until it burps.
 
“What sort of twisted mind even thinks this is something anybody would want to talk about at this point in the day?” Lupica said, adding that he would not buy such an item for any of his four kids.
 
In Deirdre’s opinion, the whole thing sounds perverted, and she believes there’s nothing positive about encouraging that kind of behavior. Ditto teenagers having sleepovers with their significant others, the next topic up for debate this morning.
 
“We don’t let our kids have sleepovers at our house,” Lupica said, adding, “You big dope.” 
 
He probably does let his kids eat hot dogs, even though there is a demonstrated link between the processed meat sticks and colorectal cancer, as a billboard in Indiana recently illustrated with a graphic of hotdogs inside a cigarette carton.
 
“What is so wrong with that?” Deirdre said of the hyperbolic advertisement. Asked if hotdogs are okay to eat every once in a while, she said, “Not for me. I’ve evolved way past that.”
 
But has her relationship with her husband evolved in the 13 years since their son Wyatt was born? They’ll find out in roughly five years, when Wyatt jumps ship and heads off to college, as a few of Lupica’s kids have already done.
 
“It turns out to be one of the worst days of your life, even though you know they’re starting out on a great adventure,” he said, like a sap.
 
Emptying the nest is a true test of a marriage, Deirdre said, because a couple can grow far apart during the child-rearing years without even realizing it. The I-Man’s sentiments on the matter were slightly less poignant, to say the least:
 
“I’m sorry none of you want to talk about breasts or penises.”
 
-Julie Kanfer