Blonde on Blonde: Oprah, Genderless Babies, and The Rapture That Wasn't

The Oprah Winfrey Show airs its final episode today, ending a 25-year run that has undeniably transformed the media, and the lives of countless women. As such, both Blondes were feeling gloomy this morning, even though they looked bright and shiny.
 
“I’m very, very sad,” Lis said, then quickly regained composure. “Oprah is an icon, but she’s going on to bigger and better things.”
 
Deirdre professed her love of all things Oprah, but was called out by her husband. “I’ve never seen you watch her program, ever,” he said. Informed that she’s usually too busy in the afternoons to sit down and watch an entire episode, Imus said to his wife, “Well, you’re not in the kitchen.”
 
That Oprah is, as Deirdre put it, “woven through the fabric of this country,” is no exaggeration. “She’s done tremendous things for women and girls around the world,” Lis blubbered in reply.
 
But whatever effect Oprah might have had on one particular Canadian child will remain a mystery, as that child’s parents continue to keep their four-month old baby’s gender a secret from everybody except a handful of people.
 
“I think it’s trying too hard,” Deirdre said of the Toronto couple, who claim their decision was based on a desire to give their child “freedom and choice, in place of limitation.”
 
Then Deirdre surmised that the tot might actually be a hermaphrodite, and, in a way only she can, looped the conversation around to blame this child’s hypothetical disorder on carcinogens in cleaning products.
 
“There’s an increase in hermaphrodites because of all the toxins in the environment,” Deirdre said, and agreed with her husband that Windex could be to blame.
 
What the Rapture probably won't look likeHaving concluded pretty much nothing, Imus commented on the world not ending last weekend, and rolled his eyes when his wife pointed out that people should live their life honestly whether the rapture is nigh or not.
 
“Thank you, Mother Teresa,” he said. “Go fix up a leper.”
 
Instead of pointing out that she’s been doing exactly that for nearly 20 years, Deirdre admitted that on Saturday, at the exact time the rapture was to begin, she was suddenly overcome by exhaustion, and took a nap.
 
“Who knows what the hell you were doing?” Imus said of Deirdre’s odd behavior. “Here’s what Wyatt and I were wondering: where’s dinner?”
 
As Blonde on Blonde drew to a close, Deirdre noted that her husband neglected to mention the press conference held just moments prior by President Obama and British Prime Minister David Cameron.
 
Or, as she likes to think of to it, “Massaging each other’s prostates. That’s all they’re doing.”
 
Yum.
 
-Julie Kanfer