Fred Imus Dispenses All Kinds of Advice

Fred Imus was hoping for a very specific outcome from today’s royal wedding, and it’s unlikely anybody else on planet Earth felt similarly. “I was hoping Kate, at the last moment, would change her mind and marry Dale, Jr.,” he said. “That’s some American royalty.”
 
Having gone down the marriage road twice before, Fred had some unique light to shed on the marriage between Prince William and Kate Middleton.
 
“There’s over two billion people watching; they’ve spent millions and millions of dollars on it; they’re dealing with hundreds of years of tradition and history, and all the thousands of people involved in it, with such precision,” he said. “And you know next week at this time they’ll be calling each other ‘A-hole’ like everyone else.”
 
Fred went even further to predict that by this afternoon, Prince William will be “wanting to kill himself” because he’ll realize he “can’t get rid of her.” It’s difficult to put a price on that kind of optimism.
 
To his brother’s protest that Kate and William have been together for eight years and probably know each other pretty well, Fred replied, “How many times do you think she bit her tongue over the last eight years?” In case his point was not clear, Fred expounded, “She’d have made a world champion bass fisherman proud the way she reeled this one in and set the hook.”
 
Point firmly made, Fred commented how much he was enjoying the I-Man’s show this morning, with special appearances by “Uncle Gary” and “Margaret Thatcher.” Which is saying a lot, considering Fred showed no interest in last night’s NFL draft or the NBA playoffs. Finally, he displayed a healthy amount of concern over Donald Trump’s crusade to get President Obama to reveal his long form birth certificate.
 
“President Obama is two-and-a-half years into his first term—it doesn’t matter where he was born!” Fred crowed, and contended that this country has bigger problems. “I get a lot of things, man. But I don’t get this.”
 
But if there’s one thing Fred understands (and there probably is only one thing Fred understands) it’s that time marches on. “Do you ever see people you haven’t seen for years, and you say, ‘My god, that bastard looks old!’” he asked, then supposed people probably think the same thing when they look at him.
 
“You looked like Fabian when you were in your twenties,” Imus said. “But since you’ve been about 30, you look like Merle Haggard. Now you look like Merle Haggard’s dad.”
 
An bottomless trove of wisdom, Fred dispensed the following gem before signing off: “Don’t turn nothing down when you look good, because when you get old and you don’t looks so good—unless you’ve got a lot of money—it’s tough to come by.”
 
Write that one down, kids.
 
-Julie Kanfer