Bernie & Imogen: the Royals, Libya, and the Curious Item for Sale at Duane Reade

Lucky for Imogen Lloyd Webber, Bernard McGuirk graced everybody with his presence in the Fox studio today, rather than say ugly things about the royal family from the relative safety of the WABC studio. To boot, he sported a nifty British accent.  
 
“I’ve decided I don’t want to sound like a troglodyte from the South Bronx, like I normally do,” Bernard haughtily declared. “Bring it on!”
 
Reverting back to his dirty New York brogue, Bernard wasted no time criticizing the British royal family for waiting until 2011 to change certain sexist, elitist, bigoted rules. For instance, if Prince William and Kate Middlton have a baby girl, that girl would not become Queen if the couple later had a son, because the boy would inherit the title of King.
 
“They’re changing the rules because it’s ridiculous,” Imogen admitted. “Some of the best monarchs the UK has had have been Queens.”
 
But Bernard wouldn’t hear any of it, and accused them all of being, basically, inbred. “The royal family is white trash with nice accents,” he said.
 
Yesterday, Middleton’s parents met the Queen for the first time, an encounter that was, by all accounts, very pleasant. Naturally, the press reported on it thoroughly, in their undying quest for information about Kate, who remains largely unknown to the world despite being one of its biggest celebrities.
 
“The most successful royals always held something back,” Imogen said. “Look at the Queen Mother: the private persona was completely different from the public one, and that worked very well.”
 
Having been convinced that the paparazzi killed his mother Princess Diana, Imogen pointed out that William is admittedly “massively” protective of Kate. “He’s trying to learn the lessons of the past,” Imogen added.
 
Which is something President Obama, Senator John McCain, and others should be doing when it comes to Libya, where the U.S. and its NATO allies seem to have no exit strategy whatsoever. Beyond damaging Obama in the 2012 election, Imogen supposed getting involved in Libya has taken America’s eye off the ball.
 
“We should be concentrating on shepherding Egypt through that revolution,” she said. “That’s what matters to us.”
 
Bernard chimed in, “With all due respect to Senator John ‘Wayne’ McCain, I think he’s lost his mind.” McCain, who is in Libya now, called the rebel forces there “heroes,” even though, as Bernard noted, “we don’t even know who the hell they are.”
 
The U.S. has learned nothing, Imogen and Bernard agreed, from past experiences. “In Somalia, it was a humanitarian mission, which ended with the residents of Mogadishu dragging our dead soldiers through the streets,” Bernard said. “That’s how these endeavors usually end up, with these ingrates.”
 
Maybe everybody should just chill out and visit a Duane Reade drug store in New York City, where alongside Band-Aids, vitamins, and greeting cards, vibrators are now readily available.
 
“I guess anything that keeps the women happy,” Bernard said, though he lamented, “I don’t want to get on line and see some 60-year old woman buying Depends and a vibrator, because I’ll be traumatized.”
 
-Julie Kanfer