Blonde on...Megan

Joining Deirdre Imus for today’s edition of Blonde on Blonde in Lis Wiehl’s absence was Megan McDowell, the lovely, tortured, alleged “sister” of Fox Business Network’s very own Dagen McDowell.
 
The very observant host of this program was quick to point out that Megan, endowed with a flowing mane of chestnut locks, is no blonde. “Neither is she,” Megan said haughtily, gesturing toward Deirdre. “I haven’t seen roots like that since Alex Haley.”
 
Unlike others in show business, neither Deirdre nor Megan were offended by comedian Ricky Gervais’s jokes at the Golden Globes award ceremony Sunday night. “The Hollywood people should shut up,” Deirdre said. “He was hilarious.”
 
She railed on the topic for a few more minutes, declaring, “it’s fair game for all of them sitting there,” leading Megan, who has no filter, to say, “Can I ask you a question? Where’d you meet Eva Braun?”
 
Then, to Deirdre, “Take it down a notch, sister.”
 
But the only thing that needed to be taken down this morning was Megan’s weight, and though she accused Deirdre of starving the I-Man to death, it was Deirdre who pointed out that is forced starve her husband because Megan is hoarding the planet’s food supply.
 
As the banter became increasingly contentious, Imus was compelled to point out his wife’s tendency to lose her temper. Which, naturally, caused her to lose her temper.
 
“You think you can push me around, just like you do Glenn Beck, and Chris Wallace, and the rest of them?” Deirdre said, admitting she was “in awe” of Chris and Lorraine Wallace during yesterday’s interview, where they displayed sincere tenderness toward each other. “Quite the opposite, I guess, of us.”
 
One reason for the stark differences in the two relationships could be, in Imus’s view, that Lorraine does not walk around “thinking she has a penis.” Though Imus was mum on whether he wished his wife had a penis, Megan made no bones about it. “I’m dreaming you had a penis,” she told Deirdre.
 
Another person with a penis, Regis Philben, announced his plans for retirement yesterday, and nobody, not even Imus, could think of a bad thing to say about the 79-year old man, whom Deirdre loves.
 
“Of course you love him,” Megan shot back. “He’s 79 years old. Do you see a pattern here?” It was unclear whether Megan supported Regis’s decision or not, but she noted, “There’s nothing worse than an old fool who just keeps going on and on and on, and doesn’t know when it’s time to go away.”
 
There’s also nothing worse, at least in Deirdre’s opinion, than an old fool who feels compelled to tell stories about the good old days of his cocaine abuse.
 
“I can shut your mike off now,” Imus gently told her. “I can’t do that at home, can I?”
 
But the abuse of power Imus displayed this morning is nothing compared to what people like Sean Hannity think the U.S. government is doing by forcing fast food restaurants to display their nutritional information.
 
“The government already mandates a lot of things, and I don’t hear him yelling about mandating vaccines,” Deirdre said, noting the inconsistency of the argument. Megan, however, picked up on something else.
 
“Are you hot for Hannity?” she asked Deirdre. “Is that who you think about during…?”
 
Like most modern Americans, Megan has no shame, which is why Deirdre thinks one California town’s plan to post mugshots on Facebook of people arrested for drinking and driving is unlikely to deter the behavior. 
 
“Someone gets their picture up, and thinks they’re going to get a reality show out of it,” she said, using Snooki from Jersey Shore, who was arrested for public intoxication in a recent episode, as an example. “What message does that send?”
 
A much less inspiring one than the story of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, whose miraculous recovery since she was shot point-blank in the head last Saturday in Tucson, Arizona, has surprised everybody, including her doctors, who are cautiously optimistic about the amount of progress she has already made.
 
“When you have that much positive energy, it does help to heal,” Deirdre said, adding that the I-Man relies on the same kind of positive energy to combat his prostate cancer.
 
As he paused to ingest this information, Imus said, warily, “I have cancer?”
 
-Julie Kanfer