Fred Imus Gets Personal with His Football Picks

Fred Imus’s life has been quiet recently, save for a battle he’s engaged in with his dog Dear John over the air-conditioning.

“I just like to leave the fan running at night, because it cools the place off just fine,” Fred, who lives in a trailer in Tucson, Arizona, said. “But not according to him. With just the fan on, he’s walking around panting like it’s 110 degrees, so I have to turn the air-conditioning on.”

The result? “He conks out, and I’m freezing to death,” Fred reported. “That’s about as complicated as my life’s gotten.”

And in an effort to keep things just that simple, Fred suggested Warner pick this week’s NFL games, and Fred would merely concur or disagree.

First, Warner chose the New England Patriots over the New York Jets, which pleased Fred because the Jets disrespected the tight end on his fantasy team: Ines Sainz, the Mexican television reporter who claimed members of the Jets made inappropriate remarks to her in the locker room after last week’s game. 

Proving his rationale was sound as ever, Fred objected to Warner’s pick of the Carolina Panthers over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, because Fred can’t pick between two teams he hates.

“I hate them because they’re there,” he said. “There’s no reason to have these teams.”

Since Fred hates them both equally, Imus suggested picking the team that wants it more, or that needs to win.

“I’ve always said that,” said Imus, who heard that theory from Lupica, who stole it from Bill Parcells.

Fred agreed with Warner’s pick of the Minnesota Vikings over the Miami Dolphins on the basis that he’d never pick against Brett Favre. It doesn’t bother Fred that, as his brother put it, Favre is “a narcissistic, self-absorbed weasel that we’re all sick of.”

Fred “couldn’t hate the Redskins enough,” declaring, “That team should get the death penalty.” He dislikes the San Diego Chargers because it’s only 70 degrees there, while it’s 110 degrees in Arizona. And he hates both the New Orleans Saints and the San Francisco 49ers.

Like his brother, Fred is less enthused with NASCAR than he used to be, but wouldn’t go so far, as the I-Man did, as to say he hates it. “Now you’re going off the deep end,” Fred, who could be mayor of the deep end, told Imus.

Catch Fred’s Sirius XM Satellite Radio show Fred’s Trailer Park Bash this weekend, which airs 6-10am ET on Saturday, 10am-2pm ET on Sunday, and “midnight to something” on Monday. Even though Buckskin quit for reasons Fred insisted were not related to money, it’s still a darn good time.

-Julie Kanfer