Dick Cavett was Fooled by Imus, But He's No Fool

Show biz legend Dick Cavett called Imus “The I-Man” today, a mistake he’d never made before. Good thing, because as “The I-Man” pointed out, “People who do sound idiotic.”

In fact, it’s alleged, but has never been proven, that Senator John Kerry lost his bid for President in 2004 for that reason alone.

Cavett felt sorry for Kerry, as he does for “the two clowns” from the Tea Party—Christine O’Donnell in Delaware and Carl Paladino in New York—who won their respective Republican primaries on Tuesday.

Or, as he also referred to them, “the two escapees from the hat factory.”

But electing weird-looking people to office is nothing new. Case in point: former Ohio Rep. James Traficant. “They would be following in a long tradition of other psychopaths,” Imus said.

They’d be following in the tradition of some sportscasters, too, particularly those with bad toupees. “I once said to Howard Cosell, ‘A guy with your money, can’t you afford a rug that doesn’t look like a wedge of blueberry pie sitting on your head?’” Cavett said. “Then he died.”

And how did that make Cavett feel? “About the same,” he said.

Having developed over the last few months an e-mail relationship with Imus, Cavett is prone to asking whether Imus is familiar with esoteric exchanges between actors or socialites who are usually dead. Imus has cleverly figured out the best way to handle these queries.

“I just google it every time you do that,” he confessed. “Then I write you back the answer as though I knew.”

Most recently, Cavett shared the story of a conversation between Tallulah Bankhead, a prominent Southern Belle turned New York City actress, and Chico Marx, a comedian and brother of Groucho known for his womanizing ways.

Tallulah BankheadOn being introduced to Bankhead at a fabulous New York party one night, Cavett told Imus that Chico said, “I want to F you Ms. Bankhead.” Her reply: “And so you shall, you old fashion boy.”

The F never actually happened, and Cavett was oddly coy about his own sexual exploits with Bankhead, but he so delighted in telling this story that none of that mattered.

For the last few years, Cavett has been writing a column on the New York Times website, for which he has garnered quite a following. In November, he’ll release a collection of these musings in book form, a project that has, at times, been baffling.

“I read some, and I couldn’t remember writing them,” Cavett said of the columns. “I can’t remember thinking those things, and I laugh out loud.”

Of particular note was a piece from 2008 on Sarah Palin, about whom Cavett said, “She seems to have no first language.” She does, however, speak clearly enough to reach the Tea Party people, because many of the candidates Palin has endorsed are winning Republican nominations.

“It’s easy to understand why people are fed up,” said Cavett, who hates to admit his disappointment with President Obama. Should a large number of Tea Party candidates actually win their elections, Cavett’s plan is simple.

“Move to one of the ten countries that the Newsweek cover rated more desirable than America,” he said.

Though, as Imus pointed out, it would be unwise to put so much stock in a magazine that was recently purchased for less than its own newsstand price.

-Julie Kanfer