Fred Imus, Immigration Specialist

Following a momentary disapperance, Fred Imus resurfaced on the phone line and told his brother and his nephew that, well, his phone had died.

“Which may be a good thing,” he added.

Fred, who lives in Tucson, Arizona, woke up at 4 o’clock in the morning and drove six miles down the road just to be able to make this call in the first place. He did not hesitate to point out that few other Imus in the Morning guests display that level of dedication.

“You know what I wish?” posed Fred. “I wish after going through all that trouble, I had some material.”

The I-Man quickly reassured his brother that expectations were never terribly high to begin with.

Joining Imus today to say hello to his uncle was Wyatt Imus. On learning that Wyatt just turned 12 years old, Fred predicted it would be just three short years before he started “whipping” his father’s butt.

An Arizonan, Fred offered a unique perspective on his state’s immigration reform bill. Despite the recent decision by a judge to block some of the more controversial provisions, Fred reported that the Sheriff of Maricopa County, which includes Phoenix, is still authorized by the federal government to demand immigration papers from people.

“So he’ll continue to do that,” said Fred. “He’s one of the few guys with any balls in the state. Or in the country, by the way.”

Reminding his brother that he was on “human being radio and Fox TV” and not on satellite radio, Imus suggested using less coarse language in the future.

Fred, however, had already moved on, and wanted to share with everybody his (doubtless idiotic) idea for an economic stimulus plan.

“Put a bounty on these illegals!” he said. “You could get three of them at like 100 bucks a piece, and you’d be allowed to find three of them a week, and turn them in. And you’d get to keep their car, their clothes, their old lady, whatever it is.”

Informed that this was a stupid idea, Fred protested, “Years ago when they had too many mountain lions, they put a bounty on them. Now they don’t have too many mountain lions. You know why? Because they had a bounty on them.”

Actually, were Fred running the show, he’d send the legals back to Mexico and keep the illegal immigrants here, because they have a better work ethic. As if to prove that point, Imus said he’d recently fired a legal housekeeper from the Imus Ranch for stealing.

“Thank you, I-Man,” was all Fred had to say.

No, Fred, thank you.

-Julie Kanfer