Bo Has the Learning Curve of an Infant

If you want to tick the I-Man off, as Bo Dietl is known to do, ridicule his anti-cancer diet and recommend people eat hamburgers instead.

“You come in here running your mouth, you have no idea what you’re talking about, and now you’ve irritated me,” said Imus. “I’ll tell you what you can eat: how about eating me?”

Hoping to change the subject as quickly as possible, Bo turned to the BP oil spill and disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, telling Imus that natural gas is also leaking out of the hole in the well on the ocean floor.

“You know what they should stuff that oil hole with?” Imus said. “You and your nonsense.”

So Bo tried another topic: the recent arrest of Joran Van der Sloot in Peru, where he allegedly killed a woman in a hotel room five years to the day from when he is believed to have also killed Natalee Holloway in his native Aruba.

“They’ve got a videotape of him and the girl going into the room, the videotape is constant, and all of a sudden he comes out with a knapsack, nobody else goes in the room,” said Bo. “The girl is dead in the room: duuuuuuh.”

But back to the oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico. At 18,000 feet down from sea level, Bo has learned from his sources that the best method of plugging the leak could be to explode the well altogether.

“Ask me why they didn’t blow up the well,” Bo challenged Imus, who refused, but Bo continued anyway. “BP has $8.5 billion in 100 million barrels in that reserve.”

Having spoken with “engineers from Oklahoma,” as he vaguely put it, Bo decided that the U.S. should be using supertankers to suck up the oil and then transport it to a refinery where it would be separated from the water.

“And you wouldn’t have birdies dying there, and porpoises dying there,” said Bo, who we all know is mainly concerned with the fishies dying there, because this massive oil leak has prevented him from eating shrimp cocktail at one of his “mafia restaurants,” as Imus put it.

Undeterred, Bo kept on, declaring war on the oil, wondering where was Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, and suggesting BP was in Obama’s pockets because of campaign donations. Until all of our wishes came true, and Imus directed Lou cut Bo off with a commercial. 

-Julie Kanfer