Deirdre Goes NAVEL, and Lis Wiehl Warns Imus About Her New Book

Tiger Woods, Jesse James, and John Edwards are lucky that they’re not actually drowning, and that it’s not up to Deirdre Imus or Lis Wiehl to pull them from the water.

“I wouldn’t save any of them,” said Wiehl, a Fox News legal analyst. “I’d save their wives.”

As for Deirdre, she’d toss in Bill Clinton, Dave Letterman, and the priest who molested deaf boys in Wisconsin, and watch them all go down; the first two because they had inappropriate relationships with underlings, and the third for obvious, disturbing reasons.

To Bernard’s argument that people like former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer be excluded from that group of scumbags because he was hiring “escorts” and not falling in love, the I-Man wisely noted, “If you ask them for the same hooked at the escort service, that means you have an emotional attachment to the hooker.”

Along those lines, Imus announced that his wife will be the keynote speaker at the annual NAVEL Expo on May 2 on Long Island. Though it “sounds like a strippers convention” to Imus, NAVEL actually stands for Nutrition, Aesthetics, Vitality, Efficiency, Life.

All proceeds from the expo, which will be held at the Huntington Hilton, go to the Imus Ranch, leading Imus to wonder if Wiehl would use the proceeds from her new book, Hand of Fate, to “buy more cocaine for your wild parties in Connecticut.”

Not to worry; she’s got a more practical use for the cash. “I’m going to set up a fund for dead radio talk show hosts,” she said. “And their wives.”

Though she was taking a jab at the I-Man, Wiehl was also promoting her novel, in which radio talk show host Jim Fate, a Bill O’Reilly/Sean Hannity type, is murdered. She cautioned Imus to watch his back, because in Hand of Fate the prime suspect in Fate’s murder is his much younger, much smarter co-host Victoria.

“Whose legs go on forever,” said Imus, quoting what he called “the most memorable line of the book, so far.”

Deirdre, however, was struck by a different quote that reads, “It is usually more important how a man meets his fate than what it is.” It brought to mind her husband’s battle with prostate cancer, she said emotionally, and how he’s met it with bravery.

And with a strong dose of whining, particularly about the diet Deirdre has put him on, which requires him to eat with regularity foods like brussel sprouts, turmeric, broccoli, and green tea-soaked lemons. Though he complains, Deirdre insisted her husband looks better and is healthier than when they first met almost 20 years ago.

“I have cancer!” Imus screeched in disbelief. “How is that healthier?”

The cancer, Charles pointed out, is “merely a condition.” You know, sort of like being an a-hole.

-Julie Kanfer