Imus'll Say it Again: If Sen. Kerry Had Stopped That Train in '04, He'd Be President

Senator John Kerry made the innocent mistake of asking Imus how he was doing today. Thus, he was treated to a few seconds of prostate cancer talk, followed by a brief description of the fungus growing on the I-Man’s vocal chords.

“This is too much information, Don,” Kerry said, and rightly so. 

Kerry, a Democrat from Massachusetts, was stunned by some of the revelations in yesterday’s Goldman Sachs hearings, namely e-mails written by “Fabulous Fab” Tourre that he knew “the building was about to collapse” because of “complex, highly-leveraged, exotic trades” that he sold to Goldman’s best clients without understanding the implications.

Imus, however, knew better. “If I’m a sophisticated investment firm or a bank, and I get a call from the Fabulous Fab or some other clown at Goldman trying to sell me something, the first thing that goes up is a red flag,” he said. “Because I know they’re crooks, because I’m a crook!”

Vowing to insert the “crooks” clause into the financial reform bill, Kerry pointed out that shorting the market, as Goldman did, is nothing new. What’s new is the total lack of accountability, the failure to distinguish between right and wrong, and the overriding focus on how much money was padding their pockets.

“People really sense a lack of patriotism in it,” said Kerry. “There’s a lack of concern about the country.”

Making matter worse is the incestuous relationship between Goldman and other banks with the credit rating firms, whose stamp of approval was easily bought. Kerry is amazed that his Republican colleagues blocked debate of this and other pressing matters by voting down open discussion on the Senate floor this week.

“Some of the amendments they want to pass wouldn’t stand the light of day in terms of actually protecting the American consumer,” he pointed out.

Democrats, on the other hand, want to create a consumer protection agency, the sole purpose of which would be to ensure that American consumers are armed with the information they need about their investments, their mortgages, and their credit cards.

The Financial Regulatory Reform bill would also squash the concept of “too big too fail” to avoid future bailouts. “The last ten years have seen the greatest shift of wealth away from Main Street and into Wall Street,” said Kerry. “And into the hands of a few people at the expense of working people in this country.”

Like the ones in Arizona whose jobs are being taken by illegal immigrants, prompting the state government to pass a law allowing police and citizens to question potential illegals. “It’s a great idea, don’t you think?” Imus asked Senator Kerry, who laughed at this obvious baiting.

Kerry acknowledged that both parties have looked away from the immigration problem for the last 30 years. “I think the law reaches too far and I think it has problems, but I understand the frustration that has motivated it,” he said, adding, “I think you need comprehensive reform. I don’t think it works in a piecemeal fashion.”

As he sees it, comprehensive reform would include enhanced border control and employment enforcement, along with some sort of path to citizenship.

“We have to be sensible about the way in which we’re going to approach it,” Kerry warned.

Imus finds the whole thing hilarious. “The people who oppose this law are basically saying it’s illegal to be an illegal alien,” he told the Senator. “You can’t make it up!”

-Julie Kanfer