Things Imus Did Not Do in the 80s, Courtesy of Mike Lupica

Mike Lupica, the New York Daily News columnist and beloved author, was getting ready to fly home after a few days on the road promoting his latest novel for young adults, The Batboy. So why not take this time to pick on him, as he spreads the self-esteem gospel to thousands of kids around the country?

Talking about Tiger Woods’s looming return to golf at the Masters in April, Lupica said Tiger “ought to shut up and play golf” after his next press conference. “Let people make up their own minds about this,” Lupica said. “Nobody’s ever going to find out as much stuff as they want to.”

Lupica doubts Tiger will be heckled at Augusta, but Imus is certain he won’t be. “All the guys at Augusta want to have sex with porn actresses themselves,” said Imus. “They’ll be running around there carrying him on their shoulders.”

In fact, the information that has come out over the last few months about Tiger’s behavior reminds Imus of his pal Lupica back in the 1980s.

“Oh, I’m sorry: were you an astronaut in the 80s?” Lupica asked Imus, who was anything but. “Were you on a mercy mission in the Congo in those days?”

Back to his book tour, Lupica said he typically speaks at a school in the afternoon, followed by an appearance at a bookstore or library at night.

“Kinda like what I used to do in the 80s,” Imus chimed in.

Approximately 250 people pack in to Lupica’s talks or book signings, and he is still in awe of the effect his books can have on these readers. “To see kids bring some copy of ‘Travel Team’ that’s practically falling apart now that they want to have signed is pretty cool,” he said.

As far as Lupica is concerned, this year’s NCAA tournament is the best he can remember. “It seems like there has been a good game ending every half hour since this thing started,” he said, and last night was no exception: underdog Butler beat top-ranked Syracuse, and the Kansas State-Xavier game went into double overtime.

“This is the tournament you want,” Lupica said. “You don’t want four number one seeds to make it to the Final Four the way they did a couple of years ago.”

Imus then noted that Detriot, where Lupica was today, was the setting for The Batboy. “You know that,” Imus said. “You wrote it. Well, you say you wrote it. Unless Barnicle wrote it for you.”

No bother; Lupica can handle the teasing, knowing that his pal Imus puts his Uggs on one shoe at a time out at the Imus Ranch, just like all the other cowgirls.

-Julie Kanfer