Mary Matalin Is Way Into Deirdre Imus. Don, Not So Much.

Prior to introducing Mary Matalin this morning, Imus begged Charles to read from one of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s illicit emails to his mistress in Argentina.

“Do you really comprehend how beautiful your lips are?” Charles read, seductively. On the other end of the line, Matalin, the famed Republican strategist, was barely able to control herself. “Oh, Charles…” she cooed.

Once she composed herself, Matalin, expressed profound love and admiration for Imus, Deirdre, Wyatt, and the Imus Ranch, having visited just a few days ago with her husband James Carville and their two daughters.

“We had the most extraordinary experience,” she said. “My girls are in love with your son, I’m in love with your wife, James was happy to see you.” (Note Matalin deliberately avoided the word “love” to describe James’s feelings toward Imus.)

Another person in love is Gov. Sanford, according to Matalin, who doubts this affair was some sort of “midlife crisis, overly-testosteroned, male meltdown thing.” She feels blessed to be in a faithful marriage, be it out of fear, respect, or love for one another.

“Knowing you,” said Imus, “I would suggest it’s out of fear.”

Matalin recanted just how blessed Imus is to have Deirdre, who feeds, burps him, and makes him hot pepper sandwiches, all the while running everything on the ranch.

“I do stuff too,” Imus interjected. “I holler at the kids.”

While it seems likely Imus will survive the cancer, it remains unclear whether Gov. Sanford will survive his indiscretions. “I don’t think he has the kind of Presidential aspirations he once had,” said Matalin, adding that the fate of his governorship lies with the people of South Carolina.

When Imus countered that the Argentinean babe ought to be at least has hot as a FOX News anchor, Matalin again expounded on the beauty and charm of Deirdre Imus.

“Am I starting to sniff a lesbian situation between you and my wife?” asked Imus, who happens to agree with Matalin’s compliments.

As for Obama, Matalin disagreed with the notion that he will be judged solely on whether he passes through health care reform.

“It’s premature to categorize five months in the success, or lack thereof, of an administration with aspirations across the board,” she said. “He’s got all kinds of things he’s thrown out there that would reorder the relationship between the government and those that it governs.”

So long as it doesn’t reorder the relationship between Deirdre and Mary, that’s fine with Imus.

-Julie Kanfer