The Trials and Tribulations of Fred Imus

A flu-ridden Fred Imus mustered all his energy to call into his brother's show this morning. But pity was scarce, and Fred took a beating for his lack of material, funny or otherwise.

In his defense, Fred said he has never been sicker, and might even have the swine flu.

"That last pig you were married to — maybe you got it from her?" Imus joked, not knowing Fred had already used that line many, many times.

Imus then introduced Fred to Gangsta Mickey, who tried to convince Fred to "move some product" that he "brought up through Frontierland on the jungle cruise." Being the sole Imus brother who didn't inhale drugs in the 1980s, Fred had no idea what Mickey was talking about.

Fred was seeking help this morning on an issue concerning his dog Dear John, who is named after Slim Pickens's horse (it's a great story if you've got three hours to kill).

"When I go to subway I always get Dear John a meatball sandwich," Fred explained. "He loves those meatball sandwiches. He just goes crazy!"

But the dog, being a dog and all, is unable to read, and therefore cannot differentiate between Subway and the Quikmart, where Fred gets his coffee. "He thinks we're back at Subway and he's expecting a meatball sandwich," Fred said. "He pouts for half a day."

Imus observed that perhaps his brother had suffered a head wound, so he lobbed some softballs at him. Had Fred watched the World Series? Only when Cliff Lee was pitching. Did he hear about his brother's gubernatorial victory in New Jersey? He was feeling the power all the way out in Arizona.

"I was watching Cavuto do the election results, and when he called you I said, man, we ain't never gonna hear the end of this," Fred said, and wondered which politician Imus had his sights on now that he got Chris Christie elected.

At Bernard's suggestion, Imus said he's locked in on New York Governor David Paterson, who is running for election next year. Fred, however, had another idea.

"How about getting rid of McCain?" he asked. "I love him, but it's time to move on."

Which brings us to the subject of death panels. Fred doesn't find them necessary, and has devised his own method of "dealing" with Grandma when the end is nigh: get someone near the electrical breaker box, so that doc doesn't have to reach down and pull the plug.

"You've got to be a little more subtle about getting rid of Grandma," he instructed.

Following Fred's rationale for why Brett Favre is his hero (priceless radio, folks), Imus excoriated him for this sub par appearance and ended it, saying, "I have to stop the bleeding."

-Julie Kanfer