Phil Simms Finally Realizes What Imus Is All About

Imus loves Phil Simms, and Phil Simms loves Imus. Isn't that great?

"This is making me uncomfortable," Imus told Simms, who was in a good mood this morning. So why not make every attempt to ruin his Thanksgiving cheer?

"I'm going to paint a scenario here, tell me if it's funny," Imus said to his guest. "The Rockefeller Christmas tree falls over into the ice rink. Nobody's injured. Funny or not?"

Following a brief but discernable pause, Simms replied that such events would not strike him as humorous. He explained to the heathen host of this program that some people, including Simms's own wife, love that tree, and regard it as a great symbol of New York. Imus sees it as something else: a nuisance.

"You used to be able to park the limos in the plaza where they put the tree up, but they would close the plaza there for two months while they put up the tree," he said, detailing an obviously painful memory from his time working in the area. "So when you'd try to leave the building, you'd have to stand out there while the limo circles the block!"

Properly appalled, Simms welcomed a discussion of tomorrow's football games, one of which he will be calling on CBS with fellow I-Fave Jim Nantz.

"We have the Cowboys-Raiders at 4:15 tomorrow," he said, and then pretended this event would be somehow competitive, which Imus wasn't buying.

"Here's the thing, Phil," said Imus. "We're going to watch the game anyway. It's Thanksgiving, it's 4:15pm Eastern time, it's CBS, it's you and Nantz. We love you!"

He then put his guest in another unfortunate situation by presuming that Tennessee Titans Owner Bud Adams flipping the bird to Buffalo Bills fans would tickle Simms's fancy.

"It wasn't great," said Simms. "It was definitely different."

Following accusations that he had turned into "a PC pansy," Simms quietly observed that owners simply cannot comport themselves that way.

"I don't know if I've ever seen an owner do something so inappropriate," he added, then told Imus, "You don't quite look at the circumstances of life the same way we all do."

Now you're catching on, Phil. Case in point: when the Thanksgiving Day Parade passes by Imus's Central Park penthouse tomorrow, he does not want to see the joyous faces of children, nor hear their mirthful sounds of laughter wafting up from the streets.

"I'm hoping for 80-mile per hour winds," Imus said. "And a Nor'easter."

-Julie Kanfer