Bo Dietl's Plans Went Horribly Awry

Bo Dietl had big plans for his appearance with Imus today. First, he'd talk about the hotly contested race for Governor in New Jersey, and then he'd touch on the issue of national security, followed by an astute analysis of the over-medicating of adults and children. It was an ambitious agenda, and one Imus had no intention of following.

Chris Christie, the Republican gubernatorial candidate in New Jersey, inched ahead of the sleazy Democrat incumbent Jon Corzine following an interview with Imus last week. Thus Bo declared Imus "The King-Maker."

"Here's why I like him," Imus said about Christie. "He's fat, but he's not a creep."

Yet, Imus continued, Christie will neither lower taxes nor stop corruption in New Jersey, as he has claimed. "Stop saying that," Imus cautioned Christie. "We don't want you to clean up anything. It's working fine."

Moving on, Bo was disturbed to learn that the Chinese have somehow obtained information from the United States's most top-secret computer systems. "That means they can take our satellites out!" Bo screeched. "That means they can stop the FAA! Air traffic control is being controlled by Beijing right now!"

Blithely unaware of how insane he sounded, Bo continued on this rant until Imus decided it was time for a wardrobe intervention.

"When you got up this morning and put on that pink tie and that pink handkerchief, what were you thinking?" asked the man in the ten-gallon hat, ripped jeans, and cowboy boots.

Bo's top-secret national security conversation took place at the oh-so-secure Elaine's restaurant in Manhattan, a locale Imus is vaguely familiar with (translation: he did lots of cocaine in the bathroom). Imus vehemently denied Bo's allegations that he offered drugs to others, explaining, "I wanted it all for myself."

Speaking of drugs, Bo had some advice for the parents of children diagnosed with disorders like ADD and ADHD. Instead of taking meds prescribed by doctors, Bo suggested, "Maybe the father and the mother should smack the kid around a little!"

Since Bo had clearly gone over to the dark side, Imus shared his own experience with overly medicated children at the Imus Ranch, where one kid blamed his inability to saddle a horse on short-term memory loss associated with ADD.

"I said, 'Then you're not going to remember that I just called you a little moron, will you?'" Imus recalled. "He laughed, and then he did it right."

He reminded Bo not to strike any children, and noticed time was up. Oh gosh.

-Julie Kanfer