Bo Dietl, Apologizer-in-Chief

A contrite Bo Dietl started off on the right foot today by apologizing for some name-calling he engaged in last week. He had unfortunately referred to respected journalist Katie Couric as a "cougar," and made several other demeaning remarks about her looks.

"She hates you," said Imus. "Speaking on her behalf, your apology is not accepted."

Bo tried really hard to refrain from such immature behavior this morning, but his efforts would ultimately prove fruitless.

First, however, he tried to be serious when discussing the trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and several other 9/11 "masterminds." United States Attorney General Eric Holder announced last week that the men, heretofore imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay, would be tried in New York City.

"These are war combatants, the same as the Japanese that attacked Pearl Harbor," said Bo. "And we're going to put them on trial in New York?"

Holder has the option, Bo added, of trying Mohammed and his cohorts as war combatants at Guantanamo. By bringing them up for trial in the United States, these alleged 9/11 planners will have access to some of the finest defense attorneys out there.

"These guys possibly could beat the case and walk out of the court room," said Bo. "And what's next? Khalid Mohammed is going to open up "9-11" grocery stores?"

Having just received an "emergency e-mail," Imus immediately interrupted Bo, who was actually making sense for the first time in a while.

"Someone wants me to put you to sleep," Imus announced.

Bo became slightly unhinged, congratulating Imus for lifting to victory some Republican on Long Island that Imus had never heard of, but who apparently is a big fan of the show.

"Just on that basis alone, he shouldn't be elected," said Imus, who suggested Bo read Mike Lupica's column in today's New York Daily News.

"I'm Bo Dietl, I'm not little Jiminy Cricket-looking Lupica," said Bo. "Enough sucking up to him. This guy writes stores; I live stories!"

Unsure where this anger was coming from, Imus further enraged his guest by reading a few eloquent lines of Lupica's piece, which argued, as Bo had already done, that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and others should not be tried in New York City.

"You lashed out at poor little Lupie!" said Imus. "First you had to apologize to that other little rodent, and now this little rodent."

-Julie Kanfer