From the Green Room: Star Wars 3-D

these guys don't get out muchAs if all the mouth-breathing, parents’ basement-living, Luke Skywalker toga-wearing, Star Wars nerds didn’t already wet their Chewbacca Feetie Pajamas over the release of the Motorola Droid R2-D2 edition, now comes word that Messiah, George Lucas, plans on re-releasing his Sci-Fi saga, yet again. Only this time, it will be in 3-D. It seems that Darth Vader’s father hasn’t made quite enough money from the six movies so far. Apparently, there’s a small third world nation he’s got his eye on. Inspired by the huge success of “Avatar,” George will begin trotting out the Star Wars films in chronological order, at the rate of one per year, beginning in 2012 with “The Phantom Menace.”  Presumably, the addition of the 3-D will make for a much more immersive experience… although it won’t change the fact that Episodes I, II and III still suck.

For those of us who actually saw the original Star Wars trilogy, the last three, (although, technically, the first three in the story) are a crime against nature, a Joseph Campbell version of a pedophile in a Santa Claus suit.  Nothing in any of the later three films about the young Darth Vader ever topped the “Wow” sensation of seeing the Death Star explode.  In 1977 we were breathless at the Millennium Falcon’s jumping to Hyperspace. In 1999, we were breathless because we felt like somebody had knocked the wind out of us with a sledgehammer at the introduction of Jar Jar Binks.

Even for those who were introduced to the original trilogy through one of the countless DVD re-releases, and slept in line waiting for tickets to each of the latter films, Jar Jar was an affront on each of the five senses, including smell, because that’s how bad he stunk. The long, floppy ears, googly antennae eyeballs, the gibberish speech pattern and faux pidgin Jamaican accent…EVERYTHING about that character was beyond annoying.  Jar Jar’s presence was so grating, he made even those who adopted the non-violent doctrine of “The Force” as their own personal philosophy want to dismember him on a table saw.

Now, in 3-D, with those tendril peepers reaching out to us in the theatre, not only will we want to impale him with a YoshiBlade ceramic knife, we will then want plunge it into our own eyes.
 
Even though the wisdom of the ultimate Jedi Master, Yoda, would advise us that: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads us to suffering.” 

Maybe it’s our inner Vader, but…Jar Jar cannot suffer enough.