From the Green Room: iPhone 4

As BP has proven (some would say too well), even the big dogs in the corporate world can step on their johnsons every once in awhile. It’s especially frustrating, however, when it comes to hip, cutting edge companies like Apple. One of their most anticipated gadgets, the iPhone 4, has a glitch that’s causing quite a few frowny face emoticons in text messages. Nobody’s LOL-ing over the problem with the antenna placement that reportedly causes the iPhone 4 to abruptly drop calls. But don’t worry, the problem only materializes… when you hold the phone in your hand.  WTF?

Of course, you should always use your hands-free headset anyway, lest the microwaves do to your brain what it does to a pouch of Orville Redenbacher’s “Movie-Style Buttered.” Nevertheless, it must be incredibly irritating, especially for those who spent days waiting in front of their local Apple Store so they could be the first on the block to get one. Of course, these are the same people who camped out in the street in the rain for a week prior to the opening of the final three episodes of the Star Wars saga, so it’s not like they had anything even resembling a life to put on hold.

It’s really surprising that this development has presented itself, given that Apple has always been at the forefront of technological breakthroughs. They were the ones who spearheaded the concept of apps, the mini-applications that the iPhone runs, making it the ultimate PDA, giving a big ol’ “F.U.” to Palm Pilots. These are the people who brought the world “iFart Mobile,” a third-party developed program that allows the user to play an enormously comprehensive collection of flatulence sound effects bearing names like “Burrito Maximo” and “Forrest Dump.” Why Apple CEO Steve Jobs didn’t get a Nobel Prize for creating a platform that supports software like that is beyond me.

The New York Post has offered some relatively low-tech solutions to the reception problem.  Apparently a rubber band, stretched around the perimeter of the phone’s case will do the trick, as will the application of some clear, chip-free nail polish, or, that old handyman standby, duct tape.  

It’s a bit disturbing to wrap one’s head around the concept of using a two cent, old-fashioned rubber band to rectify a serious problem with a three hundred dollar piece of high tech equipment.  It would be like trying to repair a leak in a heart/lung machine with a chewed piece of Juicy Fruit.  I know a few Apple devotees who swore by their 3G units with a pride usually saved for the accomplishments of grandchildren who are now ready to travel to Cupertino to bitch-slap Jobs. Because they maintain they would get better reception using two empty bean cans attached to a piece of string.

But then they couldn’t use the iFart.