From the Green Room: Amanda Bynes Retires

The oil continues to flow into the Gulf, the world economy is hanging on by a thread, and just when you thought things couldn’t possibly get worse, comes the most tragic news of all: Amanda Bynes has ‘tweeted’ that she has retired from acting.

Which, depending upon your definition of the word “acting,” is either a huge loss to the motion picture industry, or a Mother Theresa-like act of compassion and humanity.  

Some would say her performance in “Sydney White,” a modern-day retelling of the Snow White fairytale, was a pleasant diversion, even if only as a showcase for her “cherubic face, expressive eyes and comic timing.” Others would liken the witnessing of this event tantamount to rubbing their naked bodies with a wire brush dipped in alcohol and kerosene. Her turn in “She’s the Man,” a modern day version of Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night,” in which she passes herself off as her twin brother in order to play on the boy’s soccer team, can be perceived as either a tour de force rivaling that of John Gielgud’s triumph as Malvolio, or as a sensory experience that would inspire you to jam red-hot fireplace pokers into your eyes and ears.  Many find great poignancy in Ms. Bynes’s portrayal of Daphne Reynolds in “What a Girl Wants.” as a teen who seemingly “has it all,” but yearns to find the father she never knew.  Many more find that role to be a viable subsitute for syrup of Ipecac. And few young actresses today could match the emotional range Amanda displayed in “Charlotte’s Web 2: Wilbur’s Great Adventure,” a direct to video animated feature in which she provided the voice of “Nellie.”  She took what was essentially a two-dimensional character, and made it, very nearly, two and a half dimensions. Of course, the 3D glasses didn’t hurt.

One wonders who can possibly fill the void left by Bynes’ absence; after all, Meryl Streep can’t be in two places at once. But before the hundreds of dozens of Amanda’s staunchest fans succumb to despair, take heart:

Miley Cyrus is waiting in the wings.  

And if that doesn’t do it for you, Lindsay Lohan is set to star in the Linda Lovelace biopic. Apparently, they’re not going to aim the camera below the shin so as to avoid getting the Anti-Alcohol ‘Scram’ ankle bracelet in the shot. Of course, most of the action in that film will be from the neck up, so that seems like a moot point.