From the Green Room: No Celebs to Rehab?
It’s Tuesday, and Dr. Drew has the day off. His “Celebrity Rehab” was supposed to begin shooting its new season today, but is being put on hold indefinitely because, get this, THEY COULDN’T FIND A BIG HOLLYWOOD STAR WITH A SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM. Which must mean one of a few possible things: the Baldwin Brothers are out of the country shooting a movie; Corey Feldman is still in mourning for Corey Haim; or Tom Sizemore is busy making another sex tape. What has happened to Hollywood? No A-Listers around who have recently hit bottom? There are no celebrities left to rehab? You might as well tell me that there’s no Santa Claus.
Here’s how bad it is: Even Lindsay Lohan is keeping clean and sober.
It seems that America's favorite train wreck has taken the pledge. Apparently, she's been court ordered to wear an alcohol detecting anklet, and so she's been seen willing Red Bull rather than the Cosmos and shots of Jack that that have previously been her beverages of choice. She’s on an eight-can-a-day regimen, augmenting the liquid dynamite by pounding Coca Cola and chain smoking cigarettes. Yes, the Ultimate Party Girl has substituted caffeine and nicotine for her drug and alcohol Jones. Good for her, bad for Dr. Drew.
She’s recently been spotted slamming Kombucha tea, a particularly nasty Chinese concoction that supposedly has health benefits, among them, “restoring balance to the body.” A rather lofty claim, until you consider that it is also fermented, albeit only with trace amounts of alcohol. Seems she hasn’t COMPLETELY gone all Bill Wilson on us, but it’s got to be a little difficult to be taken seriously in a group therapy session with crack addicts while admitting that you’re coming off a bender after drinking something with less than 0.5% alcohol. That’s not even 1% proof. And for a girl who could down a quart of Bushmill’s before breakfast, that’s almost like tap water.
So desperate were they for a High Profile Person Who Gets High, the producers of “Celebrity Rehab” reportedly offered Ms. Lohan a million dollars and her own show, but she turned them down, and so they were left with only Tila Tequila and an F-list actor from some reality show that used to be on MTV. Not nearly enough star power to float another rubbernecking season of on-camera, soul-bearing breakdowns. We’ve pretty much seen about as much of Tila Tequila as one can without the aid of a speculum, so there won’t be much interest in watching her earn yet another coin.
At some point Lindsay is going to find out that, to paraphrase Rick James, “caffeine is a helluva drug.” After three weeks of not sleeping from the Red Bull buzz, she’ll eventually crash. And if my mother quitting coffee is any indication of how difficult a transition that is going to be…
Dr. Drew better prepare a room.