From the Green Room: Handlin' the Handler Scandal

It has been revealed that Chelsea Handler has a sex tape.  I suppose it’s better than finding out that Chelsea Clinton has a sex tape, although there’s something creepy about the idea of seeing America’s favorite funny woman butt-naked, on all fours, just a-swingin’ in the breeze.  Not exactly an image you want to have laser-etched into your brain, but now I’ve put it there, so, you’re welcome.  She says it was supposed to be a joke.  I think she has quite a staff of comedy writers there on her television show; couldn’t they come up with something somewhat more amusing than Chelsea, butt-naked, on all fours, just a-swingin’ in the breeze? 

Apparently, her little junior Jenna Jameson act comes in the middle of what was, essentially, an audition tape for a comedy club when she was first starting out in the business.  I don’t know how funny the rest of the tape was, but if I was a typical comedy club owner back in the 80’s or 90’s and received something like that in the mail, I’d have my headliner booked for the next three months. 

She says she wants it back, and I’m sure she’ll get it, and will pay dearly.  Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, because she could get it right now, streaming in real time for just $29.95.

But it’s more than you’ll pay for my sex tape.  I only charge $9.95 to see me butt-naked, on all fours, just a-swingin’ in the breeze.  Act now, and you can save $4.95 by just burning a $5 bill in the street.