From the Greenroom: Who Left Rob For Jesus (and Other Deities)?

Hayes Carll was with us today, a quiet, unassuming man whose demeanor belies the twisted genius responsible for a song like “She Left Me For Jesus.”  Those lyrics grabbed me by the throat and shoved a railroad spike through my heart, as I too have lost a woman to the Son of God.   

It was in college, and she became Born Again about a year after we had become “serious,” and I was happy for her, although I did suffer a bit of collateral damage; accompanying her epiphany, I suddenly became Satan.  Virtually overnight, I went from being a steady boyfriend… to the Prince of Darkness.  According to her, I was singularly responsible for all the evil and suffering in the world, an accusation that has seemed to follow me through every relationship since then.

Still, that was easier than being the “rebound” boyfriend after my next girlfriend.  When I first met her, she had recently become agnostic, although that didn’t seem to keep her from constantly comparing me to the Man who had previously been her steady beau: The Prince of Peace himself.  It’s difficult to compete for a girl’s affection when she believes her last boyfriend walked on water, virtually impossible when He literally can do so.  On a romantic picnic I had arranged in the park one sunny spring afternoon, she became surly when, after we finished the bottle, she wanted another glass of chardonnay.  “Jesus never ran out of wine,” she taunted.  Apparently, during Lent, every Friday night he also treated her to an All You Can Eat Fish Fry, during which, he’d amuse her with close up magic tricks.  

I’ve had women leave me after getting their eyes fixed and after Jungian analysis. They’ve broken up with me once they sufficiently attained their Naturalized Immigrant status.  They’ve left me for the Peace Corps, to go on the road and sell Amway, or to marry imprisoned felons after only a three-day pen pal courtship. I actually turned one on to living a life as an Amish woman. After only living together for a week, another woman actually left me to join the circus.  It’s not that she had show business aspirations; she just maintained that cleaning up after the elephants was a more preferable existence.

I actually had a girlfriend forsake me for a family member.  It’s not that she started dating my brother…she started dating HER brother.  When I asked her why, she informed me that they “had more in common” with each other.  

They moved to West Virginia.  I still get a Christmas card from them every year, despite the fact that what I initially believed to be an encloed photo of their pet beagle was actually their eldest daughter.  

She has her father’s eyes.  Well, one of them, at least.  The one that looks more center.