FOX
Unless you've been hunkered down in a lead-lined bomb shelter for the past six months, you already know that, after almost two years of virtual TV exile, Imus in the Morning is going over to Fox Business Network. Don't get me wrong, RFD is a great channel, especially for those of us obsessed with livestock, polka bands, and toy trains. But although the I-Man was raised on a cattle ranch, dresses as if he were one of the characters in Of Mice and Men and has a brother who has been known to have sex with farm animals, RFD was never a good fit. With the move to Fox, Imus is finally coming home. To be on a cutting-edge financial network is such sweet symmetry. Because, all kidding aside, and despite his image as a whiny, cranky, megalomaniacal and psychotic sadist in a jean jacket, what IS Imus, after all?
A rich white guy.
Check that. A very rich white guy. A VERY, VERY rich white guy. He has a penthouse on Central Park Weest, a 30 Muh muh muh MILLION dollar estate in Connecticut, a chauffeur-driven limo and uses 100 dollar bills to wipe his mouth after eating his Habanero Pepper sandwiches. This is not a man who should have EVER shared the airwaves with cattle auctions. This is man who should be around money. Lots and lots of money. And surrounded by a bunch of attractive people who will tell him how he can make more of it. Which is why Fox is the perfect place for him to hang his cowboy hat.
Everyone is very excited about the move uptown and up the broadcast ladder. That is, except for maybe Neil Cavuto, whose relationship with the I-Man is about as tenuous and tranquil as the one between Israel and Palestine. The nasty email exchanges and snippy on-air conversations would seem to indicate that Mr. Cavuto is looking forward to seeing Imus in the hallways of Fox every morning, about as much as he would eagerly anticipate gum surgery. The other morning, as Don hammered him relentlessly in yet another, tense interview, you could literally hear Neil's eyes rolling back up into his head. It was a painful ten minutes, where you could easily imagine Cavuto holding the phone away from his ear, making the same face someone does when they've mistakenly tasted spoiled milk, a thought balloon above him that reads "Somebody...PLEASE SHOOT ME NOW." The Schadenfreude of watching this suffering every morning will give us all a reason to want to come to work every morning.
We will miss many things about RFD...our crew, the Nanny Cam, and, f course, those Hee Haw reruns. But what we will pine for the most is the slogan Craig Crawford coined for the program: "Just One More Cow".
In the interest of continuity, and in the spirit of new beginnings, allow me to offer the following:
"Just one more dollar, baby. Just one more dollar."
- Rob Bartlett