May 17: Japan's Brilliant Idea, Manure Money, and Delectable Doggies

• “Earthquake cleric” strikes again:  Tehran’s Imam Kazem Sedighi – the guy who said immodest women cause earthquakes – has a “seismological update.”  Says the reason not so many natural disasters hit the West is because Allah’s holding off on the heavy-handed stuff so that more infidels can sin and consign themselves to Hell.  Imam does not say whether he has a speed-dial relationship with deity – but evidence suggests he may.
• Katipo spiderShould you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours…. PANIC!! Hate when this happens:  Young man puts on his shorts after skinny-dipping while on a backpacking trip in New Zealand.  Surprise “visitor” in shorts, a deadly Katipo spider.  You know where it bit him.  Organ swelled up like a kielbasa on steroids and victim damn near died…but “improved rapidly” after treatment with anti-venom.   …Hate bugs.
• Japan Plans World’s Tallest Terrorism Target: Japanese scientists, engineers and financiers unveil project guaranteed to make every crazed terrorist on the planet salivate – a 3,300 foot tower balanced on what essentially would be a floating “concrete lily pad.”   “Floating City” to provide a carbon neutral habitat for 50,000 people – and an enduring spot in history for the Waziristan-based nutlog who inevitably will try to bring it down.
• Two Colorado firms cashing in on plan to turn manure into money:  JBS Five Rivers Cattle and Harsh International Inc. plan system to turn feedlot manure into energy.  79-year old Andy Brown of Harsh International says, “This is the most exciting thing I’ve been involved with in my career.”  Hoping to turn cow flaps into cash.  It’s been a long life for Andy – and a lonely one.
• Milwaukee Police Answer Sex Assault Call – Find Five Anacondas and a Chicken: Officers rescue 20 foot anaconda snakes, rodents and a chicken from bizarre storage facility doubling as a rice braresidence…arrest a 50-year-old woman.  “Sex assault” angle not explained – other than an investigation note that chicken appeared to be smiling.
• World’s Greenest Bra – Now or Ever. Japanese lingerie maker creates brassiere that grows rice.  Novel undergarment features pots instead of cups, plastic water hose straps, seedlings, and a pair of detachable farming gloves.  Company has a reputation for creations that convey political messages.   Like, “Whoa!  Nice paddies!”
• Robert Mugabe Finds a Friend; Kim Jong-Il.  Brutal Zimbabwe despot is giving exotic African menagerie to ruthless North Korea tyrant.  Conservationists say Mugabe’s sending the equivalent of a modern day ark to Kim – including pairs of giraffes, zebras, rare rhinos and baby elephants…some of which will never survive the trip.  But, small matter.  Kim and Mugabe have been BFF ever since North Korea trained a Zimbabwean Army brigade that massacred 20,000 people in western Zimbabwe in the 1980’s.  So what’s a lousy zebra or two?
• chinese astronaut dinnerPlease pass the Shih Tzu.  Chinese astronaut, 44-year-old Yank Liwei, reveals on-board menu crew consumed during mission he commanded: braised chicken, steamed fish, lotus root porridge, Huajiang dog.  Revelation draws angry rebuke from animal rights campaigners.  China has plans to land a man on the moon by 2020. Has no plan to land a dog on the moon…except over rice.