Tuesday, April 20: Good Luck Fliers, To Vitamin or Not to Vitamin, and Thongs as Pranks

• Duck and Cover!  United Kingdom lifting “volcano ash flight ban” today!  Scheduled flights being reclassified as “gliders.”  Passenger boarding passes being stamped with question mark and phrase, “good luck,” in space designated – “Destination.”
• Earthquakes, volcanoes, explained:  Senior Iranian cleric, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, says irreverent Muslim women who don’t wear “floor-to-ceiling” Burqa or Niqab garments are causing Earth’s spate of violent seismic activity.  You may now slap your forehead and say, “But of course!”
• Vitamin Supplements:  Take ‘em and die.  Don’t take ‘em and die.  “Why consumers freak.”  Study done in Puerto Rico at the American Association for Cancer Research found that multivitamin supplements have a protective effect against breast cancer.  But a large Swedish study in the American Journal of Nutrition found that taking multivitamin supplements may increase the risk of breast cancer.  Your strategy?  Take a daily multivitamin, but then stick a finger down your throat and gag the damn thing up.
• Priorities…India mobile phones exceed India toilets:  Mobile phone subscribers in India, 564 million. Toilets in India, 366 million.  Government advises those who have toilets but no mobile phone and wish to communicate, to flush in Morse code.
• GM gets religion.  In first event of its kind, Detroit Baptist church teams up with General Motors to offer congregants a chance to test drive a dozen GM models after Sunday services.  Enquiring minds want to know, since U.S. government now owns General Motors – does promotion represent a violation of separation of church and state?  We report.  You decide.
• "I am not an animal!" 19-year-old Michigan State University student is under arrest for pilfering 79 pairs of women’s thong underwear from dryers in dorm basement laundry facilities over a period of several months.  All thongs. Nothing else. Suspect reportedly told police that the whole matter was just a prank, and that he’s not, you know, a sex addict or anything.  Indeed, analysts theorize it may simply be “a comfort thing; and they make him feel pretty.”
• Unconscionable ass places wine order.  Unidentified diner, said to be “Russian Tycoon,” drops $75,000 on exclusive gold-dipped jug of Dom Perignon at London’s Westbury Hotel bar. Sources say toasts did not extend to victims of earthquake in Haiti; famines in Darfur, Ethiopia, Somalia. 
• Excuse me?  Study set up and funded by University of East Anglia determines University of East Anglia’s climate unit did not purposely orchestrate “climate-gate research fraud.”  Hence, future East Anglia climate data should not be doubted – insists eminent University of East Anglia scientific panel investigating eminent University of East Anglia scientists.  Jeezis.