Friday: Biden, Bin Laden, & Mt. Bimbo

• No wonder he said it was a “Big F—ing Deal!  Vice President “Loose Cannon” fires another round:  Joe Biden tells Maryland fundraiser that President Obama would have been “absolutely done” without healthcare reform.  Over.  As in forget about it.  Like, pack it in.  Doomed.  Frank assessment of Obama abilities certain to even further endear balmy second-in-command to Team Obama…whose members, basically, appear ready to kill themselves over crazy s.o.b.
• Bin Laden to Ink Deal with Time Life.  Will add audio message broadcast yesterday to a “Greatest Hits Treasury” of favorite threat messages…“Death to America,” “Death to Infidels,” “Death to Bush,” “Death to That Cartoon Guy” among tapes being included – along with companion CD: “I’m Mullah Omar and I’m Not Dead…But You Will Be If I Have Anything to Say About It.”  Expected release, April 19. 
• Tiger’s ‘Mt. Bimbo’ Erupts Again!  Just two to go and we will have “played eighteen”…as porn-star Devon “XXX” James oozes to the surface to claim Tiger dropped $4,000 dollars on her and a friend to join him in a pile.  That brings the reported “Tiger Total” to 16 – counting Devon as 15 and “friend” as 16 – and only two holes short of a standard PGA round.
• Iggy’s Last Plunge:  Punk-rock legend Iggy Pop, who pioneered the stage dive, says those days are over…after the audience at a recent Carnegie Hall show simply stepped aside when he launched himself and let him land on his face. And thus, an era ends.  Punk is officially over.  Iggy “Plop.”
• The SEC:  “No wonder the morons didn’t see calamity coming.”  They had their noses in their computer screens and their hands in their pockets.  Latest on the extent of the Securities and Exchange Commission’s porn-obsessed staff?  No fewer than 16 investigations underway into SEC “workers” who spent up to one-and-a-half hours per day on websites featuring “you-name-it” smut.  SEC: The “Sex, Eros and Copulation” Commission.  How reassuring.
• Is Our Children Punching the Hell out of Each Other? Teacher fired from a Houston private school for encouraging her students to punch a classmate during a field trip to Chuck E. Cheese, after the kid had socked a little girl for some reason.  Report says the teacher got her group together and told them all to “punch Devarius in the face” when they boarded their van. So they did.  Teacher’s looking for work.  Kids are surfing Nazi websites.
• Oh, enough already.  New book, Eco-Sex, explains how to make your intimate life “ecologically sustainable,” for godssake.  From wind-up and hand-cranked “toys,” to websites where battery-driven devices can be recycled, to eco-friendly lingerie made out of freakin’ bamboo.  Author says “green sex” is “having its moment.”  Somebody shoot me.  Please.