Blonde on Blonde: Derek Jeter, Michelle Obama, and that Penis Story
Derek Jeter, the New York Yankees shortstop, reached his 3,000th career hit over the weekend, and subsequently announced he was “too emotionally and physically exhausted” to participate in last night’s MLB All-Star Game, news that troubled Deirdre and Lis, but not because they’re into baseball.
“He’s completely disappointing,” Deirdre declared. “He’s a loser.”
In her opinion, Jeter is too into himself to realize he’s letting down his legions of fans. As an alternative, Lis suggested Jeter should have made an appearance at the game, even if he did not participate. “Just take a standing ovation, and have some beers with your friends,” she said.
Equally unimpressive on Jeter’s part was his willingness to take back his 3,000th hit ball, which was a homerun, from 23-year old Christian Lopez, who caught it in the stands. In return, the Yankees gave Lopez a bunch of goodies that could be worth around $50,000, meaning he would owe the IRS $14,000 in taxes.
Lis agreed with Imus’s idea that Jeter sign the ball and return it to Lopez, who could probably get upwards of $500,000 for the memento. “He’s got more money that he could ever handle,” Lis said of Jeter, but Deirdre believes it goes deeper than dollar signs.
“That’s what we’re seeing a lot in the world now—everyone’s so greedy,” she said. “It’s all about me, me, me rather than who can I help and what can I do?”
Or, in Michelle Obama’s case, what can I eat, judging by her latest binge at a DC-area Shake Shack restaurant, where she inhaled a cheeseburger, french fries, a chocolate milkshake, and a Diet Coke, all while railing against childhood obesity and promoting her “Let’s Move!” exercise campaign.
“Everything is wrong with that,” Deirdre said, obviously. “She’s eating all the foods we really need to have people stop eating. This is calculated with the Obamas—every photo op, she’s always eating a cheeseburger.”
Lis fanned the flames by noting that the First Lady also takes photos in her vegetable garden at the White House, and that her trip to the fast food restaurant is meant to say, “Even I can have a cheeseburger every once in a while. Everything in moderation.”
Bad move. “You are so lame, Lis!” Deirdre shot back, adding that in her view, Michelle does not “walk the walk,” as Deirdre does. “She’s a complete phony, and a hypocrite.”
What’s more, and even the I-Man agreed with this, Michelle is sending a very confusing message to children by saying one thing and often doing another. “Do I think that she can have a ‘blue moon’ treat every once in a while? Probably so,” Imus said. “The problem is that’s not the message that gets sent.”
There were no questions about Deirdre’s message, which continued to be that the Obamas are frauds, leading Bernard to comment, “Who knew the penis story would be such a relief to hear?”
The “penis story,” as he so eloquently put it, refers to a California woman who cut off her husband’s scrotum, ground it up in the garbage disposal, and insisted he deserved it.
“There’s no reason to ever do that,” an eerily calm Deirdre replied. Though, as Lis observed, penises are not vegan, and would therefore be off the Imus diet plan anyway.
“Not yours, Lis,” Deirdre told her friend, a carnivore who has probably “eaten a lot of penis,” considering meat producers throw all sorts of animal parts together.
Leading Imus to tell his wife, sweetly, “I love you to death, honey. But you really are insane.”
-Julie Kanfer
Reader Comments (1)
My GOSH instead of ringing a Bell or shutting off her mic
Why doesn't the old Cowboy get a Taser to keep his wife in line
as she once again pounds on Lis Wiehl
And Ms Wiehl next time your on O'Reilly get medical mary jane facts first!!!!!
And Lis...You are so far far wrong declaring medical Marijuana doesn't work.
Thousands of people have stop nausea from cancer treatments using the green stuff.
And you can tell your buddy O"Reilly there is no pill that has the exact same relief.
Spend a couple of days with nausea and you will be beggin for just one puff.
doug
Canada