Jay Mohr Likes Little Boys, Fat People, and the Knicks

The comedic tornado Jay Mohr swept through the studio today to promote an appearance tonight at Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut, and also to compliment Charles on his “beautiful, bushy” head of hair.
 
“I always thought there had to be some shenanigans with your lid,” Mohr told Imus’s well-coiffed sidekick. “I thought it was hair in a can, or something.”
 
Pleased to discover otherwise, Mohr went on to regale Imus with tales concerning his eight-year old son, whom he likes to trick. “He’ll come downstairs and say, ‘Can I watch TV?’” Mohr said. “And you go, ‘No, we don’t have a TV.’ And he goes, ‘Oh, okay,’ and goes back upstairs.”
 
Little girls, on the other hand, said Mohr, “would have the receipt from when you bought the TV in her little Filofax in her office in her room, and she’d say, ‘I know we have a TV, and you didn’t get the extended warranty because the salesman was African-American, and you were intimidated.’”
 
He added, “And she’d be right.”
 
Rumors swirled in the wake of Charlie Sheen’s very public meltdown that Mohr might replace him on the CBS sitcom “Two and a Half Men,” a situation that could be a win-win for Mohr (he’d make a lot of money, become more famous, not have to perform at Foxwoods Casino anymore), but also a lose-lose (the show ends its eight-year run, having nothing to do with Mohr, but he gets blamed anyway and everybody agrees he pretty much sucks).
 
Mohr doesn’t know Sheen, but takes umbrage with his assertion that the success rate of Alcoholics Anonymous is only five percent, especially considering Sheen’s own father, the actor Martin Sheen, got sober with the help of AA. “That’s 50 percent, Charlie, in your own house!” he said. “How did you whittle that number down to freaking five, you moron?”
 
Imus supposed Sheen had probably been referring to the success rate of rehab, which is remarkably low. Luckily, Imus did not succumb to statistics, and has been clean since he went to rehab 23 years ago. But he noted that today could be the day he goes around the corner, buys a bottle of Stolichnaya, and downs the whole thing in seconds flat.
 
“If today’s the day, please let me know,” Mohr pleaded. “And let’s get our money’s worth.”
 
Unlike Imus, Mohr was not surprised that an overweight Kirstie Alley toppled on top of her dancing partner during Monday night’s episode of “Dancing with the Stars.”
 
“The whole country is filled with fatsos falling down,” Mohr said, then theorized that a “falling down epidemic” has caused fat people to use scooters at places like Disneyland, where Mohr’s wife once saw an obese man in a scooter wearing a t-shirt that said, “The more I drink, the better you look.”
 
A big sports fan, Mohr doesn’t care if his beloved New York Knicks are eliminated from the NBA playoffs in the first round. “We’re just happy to be at the party,” he said. “We don’t care if we get drunk and thrown out in the first 20 minutes.”
 
Though he lives in Santa Monica, Mohr could never bring himself to support the L.A. Lakers. “It’s hard to root for people who wear purple,” he said. “I was never a Luther Vandross or Barney the dinosaur fan.”
 
Because he practically resorted to begging, Imus agreed to have Mohr back again next week, but not to promote anything for himself, an arrangement that suited Mohr just fine.
 
“You give me a list of names, and I just obliterate people,” he suggested, as if reading the I-Man’s mind.
 
Tune in Tuesday at 735am!
 
-Julie Kanfer